#never thought i was going to feel religious again but then i made this quiz and things happened.

[vulpinesaint]

hi! i did your catholic saints quiz yesterday and really enjoyed it. i was wondering if you could show us all the possible results? i'd love to read them all. sorry if this has been answered before and have a nice one!

hi hiiiiiii!!!!! so glad you liked it! i would be SO happy to show you all the possible results. i'd been wanting to do a post like this and was wondering if anyone would ask haha :) here you are anon! <3

some of these i was normal about but some of them straight up possessed me i'll be honest

[lainternet99]

ENTRY #45

It is I again! I didn't forget to write, hooray!

My day was exceptionally quiet. I had Humanities and before I left, I had lunch with my sister: rose sauce spaghetti. I love that meal. I'm craving some right now, actually.

I got to the bus stop and hopped on just fine. I came to school an hour early as to hang out with my friends until it was time to go. I never see them on Mondays, so I figured why not change that today? It was fun; we played a card game similar to Cards Against Humanity but instead of it being unhinged, it helped us learn more about each other. I think I mentioned this game before... have I? Is it possible I did? I am getting this déjà-vu feeling...

Class was really interesting. I sat down with my friends and we discussed about the theory of evolution and what some religious communities thought about it. Next class, I present a topic on writing, along with a test I have to do. I finished my PowerPoint presentation, but I haven't studied for the quiz. I'll have to do that during my break on Wednesday. As for my presentation, I'll be doing notecards. I don't need them, but it's just to help me not get the tendancy of staring at the smartboard and read everything off there. I've seen some classmates do that and I'm not too much of a fan on how they look. No offense! My presentation is about the power of writing and how exactly it is and what makes it marvelous. I made it very simple with not too many images as to not overwork the eye and used a more familiar language registry (kind of vocabulary) so that when explaining, my classmates can understand with ease. I hope I get a good mark on it. One of my friends is also presenting on Wednesday, but I don't know if she passes first. I'm confident and prepared, so I don't care nor mind the order of who's to present first. I just hope we do the test first so that I get rid of it.

I'm in the bus now, heading home. The days are getting a lot shorter and the night marches in a lot faster. I love fall and not just because I'm born in that season.

RATE OF THE DAY: 10/10

—— lainternet99

[painted-crow]

Submission Time #12

Another submission from me! I’d meant to put in answers from the quiz… or really, my perpetual arguments with the quiz. But then I got distracted by writing out my thoughts and forgot to do that.

Oof, I’m afraid I don’t know who you are just from this–you sent it in with anonymous on! Hopefully that’s okay.

I get different answers from the quiz at different times. Last time I took it in earnest, stoned out of my mind, I came up Snake/Snake. This time I intentionally hatstalled to get as many questions as I could.

If this is too many words on top of too many words… I am sorry.

I see that lol! I appreciate that there is no lack of information here 😉

However, this post as it came in was VERY long, even by my standards, and for the sake of readability I've done 2 things:

1) Switched to desktop long enough to put in a cut. It broke the blue color I usually put over my replies in order to make these easier to skim, but I'm not putting it back because it's kind of a huge pain to redo.

2) Trimmed out some of the question/answer pairs. You have plenty, so although I read them all, I just kept those I deemed most relevant. I also skipped a few where my responses would have been repetitive. Just an editing decision I hope you'll be okay with.

That said, let's get on with the Sorting.

Primaries

• If people in your family or community disagree with you, is it hard to act against their wishes?

I’m not sure that I have a community, but yeah, if my SOs think something is a bad idea, I’ll listen and consider. I’m more likely to be the person disagreeing with and trying to convince someone else, though. Also, sometimes it’s plain easier to go along with things to keep life smooth. But if it was something important… I think I’d have to go with what I think is right, regardless of disagreement. I’ll listen to others, maybe I’ll change my mind, but I won’t not do a thing JUST because of the disapproval of my family.

Suggests internal primary, Lion or Snake.

• What’s your top priority?

I kind of hate this one because I want to answer all three. I want to make the world a better place for the sake of me and mine, and that’s one of my goals. Not one I imagine I can accomplish, but it’s something that matters. My kid will probably see a pretty rough world in the future and I wish I could do something to alter that, beyond trying to be an ethical consumer as much as I can.

This answer feels very grounded and practical. I want to say it feels Liony, partly out of process of elimination but mostly because it just does.

• When you’re making a decision and you’re stuck, what should you do?

Idk, panic? No, not really. I seek advice if relevant, don’t if not, seek out any information I can, think about it… make a decision… and proceed to worry about that decision for the next millenia because what if it wasn’t the right one? I usually go with my my gut choice but 1) sometimes I have to go hunting for that, and by sometimes I mean a lot, and 2) I still research the hell out of it.

The way you’ve answered this says more about your secondary than your primary, imo. You might be a Bird secondary.

• Do you listen to your intuition?

I’d like to, but I don’t trust it. I’m too afraid of everything.

Ooh, interesting. It’s worth noting, people who write to me are often Burned at least somewhat, because Burned Houses are always harder to sort; everyone reacts differently to trauma and comes up with different coping mechanisms. Wonder if you’re an at least somewhat Burned Lion who’s pivoted into Snake, perhaps because it fit with your old value set.

• Someone points out a flaw in your logic. Their argument makes sense, but there’s something about it that just bothers you. Do you change your ways because of what they said?

This one always bothers me. It’s not a thing that happens to me often, but I can’t understand not changing your mind in this situation. If someone points out that you’re wrong… well… you’d better go look into that, hadn’t you? Maybe because I’m constantly seeking to understand myself, and I don’t and that frustrates me, but… I don’t know. I agree with and disagree with all the answers.

This seems Bird at first glance, but it seems you’re too conflicted about it to be straight up unburned Bird (and Burned Birds are usually easier to spot because they tend to be wrapped up in the problem/s they’re struggling with). You might have a model or performance, too early to say.

That line about being frustrated that you don’t understand yourself is also a good hint toward an Idealist primary.

• Does disagreeing with your closest friends about something important to you make you love them less?

No, but I might think less of them, and I will probably argue my points at them in the future. Sometimes I change their mind, sometimes they change mine. I turned my SO into a social liberal, he caused me to adjust my stance on gun control. There’s always give and take.

Sounds healthy. That model’s sounding a bit more likely here. I’d be very curious if you turned out to be a burned Lion who actually had a healthy Bird model–that would be rare o.o

• What if everyone you loved left you? They betrayed you, abandoned you, or died, and you’re hurting. What keeps you moving forward?

This question makes me want to tear my hair out, because those are all different things.

If everyone I loved died, I would probably have a massive breakdown, spend a year laying in bed, and then use whatever money I inherited or insurance payouts I got to go try and live the life I’ve always vaguely wanted, traveling. I wouldn’t seek out relationships but I imagine I would, eventually, form new connections. It would hurt, but I would rebuild.

If they abandoned me, or betrayed me, which is… kind of the same, I guess, because abandoning me without cause is a betrayal… well, I would probably be confused, and angry, and curl into a ball and want to die, and then turn into a lifelong curmudgeon the likes of which I swore I’d never be. It would hurt, and I would probably be loathe to trust again.

This doesn’t feel Loyalist, at least.

• What if you realized that absolutely everything you thought was true was wrong? The authorities you’d trusted, the beliefs you’d held, the wrongs you’d fought against?

Another that trips me up. I doubt someone is ever going to convince me that punching down, bullying, or causing unwarranted harm is good. I don’t trust any authority without cause anyway, and I trust no authority to be right on every topic. I trust NASA about space but I’d be more interested in what the forestry service has to say about ecology, in a silly example. I’m not religious so I don’t have any authorities there. My parents were authorities once but it turns out they’re human and sometimes wrong, so…. I feel like I don’t know how to answer this question, because I can’t fathom what someone could tell or convince me of that would be that kind of a gut punch?

So, you don’t really have a system per se, but you do have a set of core ideals. You could call this a Bird model (and… a really healthy one if it is?) or you could call it partially unburned Lion.

• You can’t help everyone in the world who needs it, but you wish you could.

Nah, it would be nice to help everyone and I’m down to eat the rich and redistribute wealth and I firmly believe the point and purpose of society is to care for its populace, so definitely the world should be designed better to make sure everyone has a fair chance at what they want…but it’s not my responsibility to fix it for everybody, nor am I capable of it. I can do a small part, and I try to, but I’m not the savior of humanity.

I think we’ve established you’re not a Badger, although Badgers don’t always fall into this trap.

• You’ve changed your mind about an old belief or moral stricture that you used to value. You got new information and you’ve tried to update your way of thinking, and you think (hope?) you’re a better person for it. Do you feel guilty about the old belief you’ve abandoned?

Do I feel guilty for abandoning it? Not if I realized it was wrong! Do I feel guilty for having had the belief? Sometimes. I was raised in an unthinkingly classist household, and I still feel bad about my instinctive assumptions about people. I’ve worked on it a lot and unpacked a lot of shit, but I was definitely an ass and I regret that.

You have a lot of healthy Bird happening. I’m starting to wonder if your Lion is the model.

If you are a Bird primary, you’re one who builds your system much more than one who adopts it. You also seem very confident in your own perceptions, not unwilling to change but not impressionable.

When it comes to less major parts of your ideals, such as the gun control thing you adjusted your stance on, do you feel satisfied after puzzling things like that out? Or do you kind of hate that you need to?

• The next one is “If I’ve decided to stand by the people I love, it’s a choice. I could make a different decision.” Vs “At the end of the day, some things are right and some things are wrong. You don’t turn your back on the people you love.”

And my problem with that is… both. It is a choice, I could, theoretically, make a different one. But I don’t think it would be right to do so. I think that I would have to have an overwhelming reason to turn my back on my people. Someone cheating one me, or coming to hold beliefs antithetical to me (like if one of my SOs suddenly went TERFy or something), yeah, I would probably turn away, but it would hurt. But it’s still a choice I’ve made, either way.

I don’t think you’re a Snake.

• When you sit down and consider the terrifying lack of objective truth in our reality, how do you feel?

But what is truth? Does this mean truths about the universe, reality, physics, etc? I surely believe there is objective truth and structure there, though I doubt if humanity can discover it all. We are clever little apes, but its a big, weird universe.

Does it mean moral, philosophical truths? Moral relativism all the way babe! I mean, I’m an atheist, and I dont believe there’s one objective truth out there laid down by something supernatural, and I think it has to be something everybody comes to on their own as an accumulation of life experiences. I’ve got a few core things I think are important and the rest just… flows. I went with “the model in our heads is good enough,” because we’ve all got to settle for that in the end, I suppose.

It’s an interesting question and none of the answers quite fit for me. I think part of my trouble with the quiz is how abstract the questions are. “Do you like shortcuts?” Well, I dont know, quiz, what on earth is the CONTEXT? I understand why it’s written that way, but I do wish it was a bit more choose-your-own-adventure, handing me scenarios instead of philosophical abstraction.

You could be a Bird primary.

• When you’re not sure what’s the right thing to do, what do you turn to?

Research, and talking to my people, and then I think about it a bit. Or I just go with my gut and try to figure it out later. Either way I will spend a lot of time thinking about it, either trying to choose or trying to parse the choice I made.

Yeah, you might have to puzzle out which of these is the model yourself. This is a pretty subtle distinction. @wisteria-lodge and I both have posts about this. The appropriate tags on my blog are #ravenclaw primary and #gryffindor primary –if you can get Tumblr to function as intended (mobile search is very very flaky), those should get you the info you want, along with lots of accounts from other people Sorting themselves.

I’m starting to lean towards Bird for you, actually. But again, this is one pair that can be hard to tell apart, and sometimes it gets harder the closer you look at it. Maddening.

• Would you feel worse abandoning a stranger in need or turning your back on your closest friend?

Another one where I want context. If we’re talking identical scenarios – say, they’re drowning – I’d save my friend over someone else, except for maybe a small child… maybe? Honestly I’d probably try to save both and end up dying. But I do prioritize and I’d help my friend over a stranger, sans specific extenuating circumstances on the part of said stranger.

Once again, I don’t think you’re a Snake. I think you’re a Lion with loyalty baked into your intuition, or a Bird who’s picked up some Snakey philosophy.

• After spending some time trying to decide between two options, you are convinced that A is the right thing to do. The people around you, though, are just as convinced that it’s B. How do you feel?

Like I haven’t explained well enough, because they’re not getting why my opinion is the best one. Seriously though, it would make me wonder if I missed something, and I’d probably spend more time talking and researching to compensate. On the other hand… context… am I choosing colleges here (yes, folks, give me your input!) or whether or not to get an abortion (where I would value the input of those directly connected to me, but in the end it’s 100% my choice and those who disagree can eff off.)

When you’re choosing a college, you’re making a tactical decision, not a moral one. Gathering information from others is a Bird secondary thing: you’re doing research.

When you’re making a moral decision, that’s where your primary is involved, and here your answer is strongly Lion.

[I’m skipping a few of the next questions because they don’t give strong information for you specifically. Mostly what they get at is, you’re not a Badger, especially not an unhealthy Badger.]

• Does your internal moral compass know something you don’t?

Well… maybe? I feed a lot of stuff into my brain, and I don’t always know what I think until the words have fallen out of my mouth.

I gotta say, I’m a Bird primary and this sounds terrifying to me. Sometimes I need to write about something before my opinion fully forms, but I write and think so much because I don’t trust myself to talk about it until I’ve poked the issue a bunch on my own.

The only exception is that there are a few people who will take me at my word if I say I haven’t made up my mind about an issue yet, and will listen to me debate it with myself, without judging me for not immediately agreeing with the stance they’ve already taken.

Not everyone is the same, of course, but this answer is a very Lion one.

• If you get a chance to make the world a better place, you have to pursue it– even at the expense of your happiness and personal relationships. Do you think this is a true statement?

If I could throw myself into a volcano to fix everything that is wrong with the world, I would cry and hug everybody I love and regret the hell out of what I was about to do to them and then chuck myself in the damn volcano. I think not doing so would be more selfish.

That is... a totally different thing than this question asked! 😂

However, you've established in previous questions (some of which were cut for length) that you don't feel responsible for fixing/changing the world as a moral imperative, so your answer to this is actually more interesting, lol.

I don't know what it actually says about your Sorting, but I'm leaving it in because it made me laugh.

• Do you think you’re a good person?

Another easy one. Define good! I try to be, within my own belief systems. But I know a lot of people who would not think I’m a good person, because in their belief systems I’m not. I think some of those people are good people, I think some are bad people. Life is complex. I do my best.

This is a pretty Birdy answer. You keep going back and forth! :p I'm probably going to end up leaving you with an ambiguous answer, huh?

If you're a burned Lion, you sound awfully chill about it and you use your ridiculously strong Bird model in an unusually healthy way, for a Lion. Lots of Lions with Bird models really struggle to reconcile the different priorities.

If you're a Bird, you have a ridiculously strong Lion model that seems to actually override your Bird sometimes--but Bird systems are complex and can include weird recursive rules like "in this situation, this other Primary is more right so we use that." Also, your understanding of your system seems more hands-off than a lot of Birds.

• It’s important to do the right thing, even when it feels wrong.

…yeeeeeees…. but. Why does it feel wrong? I would want to investigate that before doing the thing, because if it feels wrong, maybe I’m missing something that my subconscious caught. If I investigate that and am sure about the right, I think… I don’t know. I’m not sure I could do something I felt super icky about even if it was quote-unquote right?

Oh hey, that's my approach to Lion primary too. One point for Bird + loud Lion model?

By now I bet you either have a strong feeling about which of the options I've narrowed down is you, or you'll think about it and go back and pore over the archives here and on the other Sorting blogs. And then you'll think about which approach you took and what kind of a hint that is, which is basically meta-meta-analysis. Except now I've written this and you've read it, so you'll be wondering how reading this will affect your judgment, so it's meta-meta-meta-analysis now.

...I'll stop. 😉

Secondaries

Future Paint here. Tumblr discarded the ENTIRE second half of my response to this post, because I saved it and then hit post without refreshing the page, so it posted the old version, because of course it did.

The tl;dr is that I believe anon to be a rapid-fire Bird secondary with a Lion model.

Brb while I reconstruct this post.

• Do you like going into situations with a plan?

• When you spot a metaphorical obstacle in your path, what do you do?

I would love to, and some situations I do– job interviews, for example – but sticking to a plan is not my strong suit. I can follow a schedule, to some degree, and I can kind of make plans… but then I trip up because how can I account for all contingencies? So I usually end up chucking the plan and YOLOing my way through something on a wave of accumulated knowledge and practice experience.

Not all Birds are big planners. The defining thing is preparation, and that can mean hoarding skills, knowledge, tools and contacts, not just making plans and decisions in advance. A Bird might, for example, decide not to schedule their vacation, and instead read a couple travel guides before they go but wing it when they're there.

This question is one of those where I’d love a less abstract scenario. Because… it depends. In a video game I’ll usually go around. In real life I’ll stop and panic for a minute or a day, then get up and deal with whatever needs dealing with. Unless its a super immediate issue, and then I’m in the middle of it already and have to put off my existential crisis until later (see prior example of “breaking up a dogfight by sticking my arm betwixt them,” see also “i spent much of my teens rolling out of bed at 3am and getting dressed to go help with a foal delivery and I didn’t really start thinking until like twenty minutes after we arrive and start dealing with shit.” Like, I was making decisions and thinking about things, but… its different. They’re not reasoned choices, they’re “this has to be dealt with NOW so do what you can and sort it out later.”)

• Do you like to gather all possible information before making a decision?

I guess I land on needing to understand your problems. You can’t put them off forever, but if you’ve got the time to do some research and contemplation aforehand, that seems like the better choice.

I need you all to know that I didn't cut this dogfight story--I'm not depriving you of whatever wild ride anon had, it's just as much of a Noodle Incident to me as it is to you. However. I don't think I need to argue *too* much that anon has a Lion model.

• Is knowing things or knowing people more useful when solving problems?

Another tricky one, because I think all the answers are correct. I do like to know what’s going on, but at a certain point that IS just stalling. But! It’s true that making decisions without understanding the full picture CAN really mess you up! But it’s ALSO true that, in many situations, I can change my mind if I learn more. I think I lean towards doing All the Research before making a choice, but I’m pretty sure that’s largely a procrastination tactic.

Birrrrd.

Both. Ideally, one would know a range of People who know/have many Things. I’m a big fan of bartering my own skills and knowledge in return for those of other people – for example I am the go-to research person, because I’m pretty good at sourcing info and condensing it into “here’s what you ought to know, here are your options, and here’s where you can go for more information,” a thing which I do freely for my family. In return they do things I can’t or don’t want to, like my taxes or getting things off high shelves or making travel plans or whatnot.

• When your plan fails, what do you do?

I’m better at accumulating knowledge than connections, but I think the right connections are more often useful than said knowledge.

As @wisteria-lodge has said before, some Birds accumulate contacts the same way they gather other tools. They like the be the person to say, "I know a guy."

You're VERY clearly not a Badger. I've cut all the questions that were like "do you do [Badger Thing]" and you were like "NO" so. I don't think you'll need convincing on this point lol

See above… panic then act, unless I don’t have time, in which case act and then panic. Solve the immediate problems, clear some space to breathe, then deal with the rest.

• Do you collect things? Facts, objects, hobbies?

……. do links full of interesting things I fully intend to get around to reading and understanding someday count?

…yeah, this is where I take a look around at my books, games, Interesting Facts, various half-compentent hobby activities, and enduring rage that I cannot possibly know All The Things because I am a mortal subject to the finite bounds of my life and acknowledge that yes. I hoard the SHIT out of both physical and intellectual stuff.

• Do you ever study or plan excessively for things that aren’t useful? Just for fun?

I’m torn between yes, and yes but they have a purpose. I do enjoy learning, i was always good in school, when I could be bothered to care. There are a few topics I enjoy for their own sake – language and history and anything world-building, really, anything to do with who we are and how we got there. But I won’t usually go in depth; most things I skim enough to understand the basic concept and move on, leaving those things as cocktail facts. “Oh, you’re an astronomer focusing on the moons of Jupiter? I read $JupiterFact a while back, what are your thoughts?”

• Do you act differently in different groups? Does it bother you, if you do?

Like, I dont care about the moons of Jupiter unless Titan or Europa or whichever turns out to have life, but space is neat and I’d be excited by that conversation and I’m intrigued by the concepts even if i don’t have the inclination to deep-dive the topic.

These 3 question/answer pairs explain pretty clearly why I think anon is a Bird secondary...

Not very often, and not much. I absolutely utilize code-switching, but I’ve felt bad about not opening my mouth at times when I worked at a place that assumed I was a good little Christian white girl… I’m usually too afraid of repercussions to say anything, but I remember my supervisor saying an atheist billboard was “too much” and I just said “no, of course it isnt” and we gave each other a look like “… well this isn’t good…”

• When solving problems, is your first reaction seeing what “tools” you have in your pockets?

In general though, I’ll use a mask when I need to but I’m just kinda… me.

...and this was what cleared up the Lion secondary model for me.

• When you are deciding how to react to a situation, are your choices most affected by internal (how you feel, what you think, what you want) or external inputs (what’s happening around you)?

…I’m really not sure. I don’t think i actively assess the tools, physical or mental, that I have to hand? I generally know if I DON’T have the resources to deal with something, but if i do have them, I just do the thing and don’t think about it.

That's normal. You just know your toolset well enough that you don't have to think about it. Some Birds don't, or their toolset is eclectic enough (or even granular enough; try remembering all the books you've read that are relevant to a given research paper topic) that they forget what they have.

I think if I knew what I felt, I’d be happy deciding based on internal things, but I don’t know that I trust myself enough.

This answer seems more relevant to your primary. Might be Burned Lion primary peeking through.

And that puts me at a hatstall again.

Sorry for the bombardment, but it seemed like this would be relevant. I know I prefer more info to less, when I’m trying to help someone figure things out, so… words. Many, many words. Thrown at you. Mea culpa.

Hope you don't mind my cherrypicking! This must have been a ton of work for you to write, and I threw a bunch of it away 😭

(Only sort of, I did read it all first.)

In conclusion

Primary: either burned Lion + healthy Bird model, or Bird + loud loud Lion model.

Secondary: rapid-fire Bird with Lion model.

Hope that helps!

[heyitsmarysblog]

You are a fighter and warrior, you’ve got this Mary…

I have to admit that this pandemic really hits me the hardest and i do believe i already shared about this but right now i am finally slowly step by step having the courage to share and speak again.

I know that there where a lot who has been shocked about my sudden change what happened to “ica” where is “ica” to start it off i know i’ve already said this but i will said this again start calling me Mary because just as i said i am Mary.

I know for years i kept saying to addressed me as “ica” and now here i am telling you to addressed me as Mary because that’s my name not ica going back to that question to what happened to “ica” and where is “ica” the encourager and on fire why the sudden changes.

With this article or post your questions will be answered bare with me because this is a novel article or post i hope you stay till the end of this article or post so let’s start i was supposed to make a vlog about this stuff but i just couldn’t find the time and courage to vlog it that’s why i choose to write this way.

Answering the questions what happened during the pandemic where there is ecq, gcq and mecq all those stuff my faith and beliefs has been shaky in the latter part i was still worshipping, praying and devoted to God with my relationship with Jesus i was praying for my uncle but also depression hits me not only that i did several attempts and thoughts yes you read that one right and clear.

Off course i went with my silent battles i tried but i got lost of tracks i started developing trust issues that’s why i had a hard time to reach out to my support group, my mentor and spiritual families you all knew how religious i am back then i also know i dissapointed a lot even God because i was the encourager and active one yet i went and been through depression.

Why? I’ve been caught up and i’ve got a lot of loads in my plates my traumas from the past, family, trust issues, my horrible traumatic experiences, the bullying, rejection, my encounter and how i was treated on my former church, frustrations, anxieties, insecurities and depression even the unforgiveness in my heart.

Yes there where a lot who where and was been there but because of my trust issues i really had a hard time reaching out i remember how i ended up isolating myself how i diverted my attention watching netflix and kdrama series, karaoke, tiktok, working out.

As i watched 13 reasons why and finished every season i thought of myself i should have done the same thing “Hannah Baker” did a decade ago because what her character portrays almost the same of all the things i’ve been through how i was been bullied in high school, the embarrassment and humiliation i encountered due to the malfunction of my costume, how i was been entitled “darna” and been in a issue that i was been a third party which i was never was.

When how was this transferee student and his troup and the rest of the curriculum in our batch bullied me when he humiliated me by saying in front to our advisory class and our classmate that i was the first to get married and be pregnant on our batch one of the reason why i vow that i will never get married or be pregnant (because my uterus is inverted and i am not having any period) how my english teacher when i was freshmen humiliated me just because i was the only girl got the zero score on the quiz and when my specialist told me i have no talent maybe she’s right i couldn’t sing or dance just a frustrated singer and dancer i know it’s obvious.

How this transferee student when i was in high school in senior year humiliated me just because i got no choice but to cheat in our exam because i know nothing about the spanish class, how i was been underestimated during college and basically been bullied as well and when they told me if ain’t drinking that beer they wouldn’t help me with the dance steps anymore because it’s true that i don’t dance believe it or not you may see me with my tiktok dances where i am a trying hard it’s my bestfriend influence why i am in tiktok but in regards to dance or dancing i couldn’t do it i actually have a traumas with that as well even myself i am shock that i am dancing where clearly i am not a dancer.

I would say that maybe my specialist was right when she said i have no talent because i couldn’t sing, dance or even play piano or guitar i wanted to i tried and no i am not intelligent i suck in math real bad my english? Nah even though i write and vlog i barely have 66 subscribers and no readers my childhood dream that i couldn’t reach even my audition in pbb yes i widthraw my audition this year it also made me frustrated while i see someone i know reach and achieved her dreams don’t get me wrong i am sincerely happy i also know she been through lot before she reached it but i couldn’t help not to feel insecure plus i never got any moral support from my family with the things i wanted to pursue and achieved.

I choose to cut my ties to all my classmates and batchmate of high school and college i only have communication with my grade school buddies why because it frustrate me how successful there it’s been a decade yet here i am baby sitting my nephew still jobless that’s why i never involve myself with any forms of reunion not unless it’s my grade school buddies all of these hits me including my horrible traumatic experience when i almost got rape not just once but twice.

Among those two the one that was traumatic most is what i encountered 5 years ago although the person is already in heaven maybe and how i was been called a slanderous and how they sugar coated me i thought i already let go of all these things but i was wrong it even left me with the thought knowing that i am a 8 months premature baby and being in depression i wished that i didn’t survive knowing how and what i’ve been through for the past 25 years of my life.

Having depression and with these thoughts i only had my bestfriend and cousins with me also loosing my one and only close auntie on the day of Valentine’s Day everything started to fall apart i tried fighting this battle silently where i would cry it all out to God but one day i just find myself the fire and passion got lost i stopped worshipping and praying even doing my devotion a lot has triggered me being ghosted by whom i thought gonna be my first and last after what i experienced and encountered the wall that the person broke where i thought i already knew my value and just enjoying my season having a good testimony it was broken i stumble and fail.

Where i thought that my heart is renewed it has been cold and hardened again the walls and bricks became triple a lot of people thought this is the only reason why i have depression yes it is a part and one of the reason but it’s not just it although this person ask for forgiveness but at this point i can’t because of everything i was in pain and hurt with the words that this person or “taurus” couldn’t accept my bad sides and got tired where “taurus” was the reason there is a huge differences between seriousness and sureness i should have known.

With these i did and been through a lot of things that i am not proud i know i was and i am a failure and dissapointment to my mentor, support group, spiritual families specially to God i kept resisting and running away, avoiding His presence i diverted it in a wrong i started having vices (alcohol, tried to smoke, pornography, cursing) my anger management and temper i even went to psychiatrist i only had one meeting because i don’t have my own money and i was only able to buy few pieces of my medicines during those moments i thought and i can already feel that it was God the whole time why i couldn’t consitently do it.

However i’ve been resisting it my heart is and was been cold and hardened even though His been using a lot of people and that i can still feel His presence yet i run away and avoided everything i committed sins curses and cursing, vices (alcohol and smoking) went through a bar been watching porn and porn sites i even installed apps about horoscope listened through music and songs that are not worship i downloaded different genres of songs, watching adulting stuffs and series various of vlogs.

My mindset changes a lot with a thought of my preference changed somehow due to my horrible traumatic experience and encounters of rejections towards men i even downloaded apps and create various of dating profile accounts which i am not even active then i ended up deleting everything and installed bible app it’s been 2 years the last time i open my bible and have my devotion i even threw away on the river the bible that was been gifted to me of the one who ghosted me.

I am left with the question that can i still go back? Will i be still accepted and forgiven even i myself still can’t forgive and forget or even let go before this pandemic i wanted to ran away to be in Manila that’s the only place i wanted to be with even those moments when i was been bullied i didn’t want to see or face someone i knew but i always ended up being with the same circle of my past one thing i regret is that if only i was really be courageous enough to speak up and face confrontations i always run away and avoid.

Why because i know that my voice won’t matter and will never be heard that’s why i rather rant or write it i always have this mindset that i don’t want to leave this country if i will be leaving i want to left this city where it cost me painful and bad memories horrible and traumatic experiences i’ve been wanting to have a new environment alone and away in Manila never have i thought that i would agree on migrating soon in New Zealand to be with my frontliner sister and maybe then i will be able to finally move on and let go.

Where there is peace and joy however there is this question remains where i know that His presence never left me despite everything that i knew He has and will always has new mercies for me even thought i stumble and fail where i committed sins but i still find myself crying out, kneeling down before Him, praying and worshipping.

I couldn’t promise that it will be instanly go back after a day but step by step it’s been awhile the last time i did this but if you were able to came through this point thank you specially i am in awe and grateful for those God used as an instruments all this time although i always feel frustrated even with my journey and relationship with Him

Yet here i am having realize all of this that no matter how i run away, avoid, surrender and give up His presence remains and His love endures forever thank You for saving me and opening my eyes though i fail and sinned my love for You was never gone and Your love never change i don’t even deserve it but You give it.

Mary, you are a fighter and warrior you still got of fight left in you Mary you’ve got this because the Lord is with you the angels and heaven is backing you up and those people that God brought you.

Here i am Mary i hope the way you embraced “ica” is the same way you will embrace and accept me as Mary after all this is the name that God gave me Mary so for starters please call me Mary because that’s my name i am Mary for 3 years i lived myself as “ica” and created sorry just because i hated my name i invented the name “ica” which upon that name traumatic experiences happened however within the name “ica” i met people God brought me that will always be and has a special place in my heart yes i already said goodbye to “ica” let’s all say goodbye.

Now let’s welcome, embrace and accept Mary now i am ready to accept and love my own name Mary yes my name is Mary everyone and Mary we are now rising back up let’s continue our journey Mary remember you are a fighter and warrior Mary.

You’ve got this Mary you are not alone Mary Jesus is with you keep fighting Mary

[theworldsoul]

Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

[docholligay]

Doc Loves Garbage: Overwatch

 Out of all the horrible things I love, this is the one I wish I perhaps didn’t so much. Which isn’t to say I wish I would stop writing it. YOU MIGHT, but not me, I love the little sandbox world I’ve created out of it, I genuinely get a lot of pleasure out of writing it and noodling on it, but only when I manage to convince myself that nothing the actual creators (or the fandom) say matters. 

BUT I CAN’T STOP MYSELF FROM WATCHING EVERY SHORT AND READING EVERY COMIC AND SHORT STORY THAT COMES OUT. I cannot let go of my love for every little nugget of the world, like it’s a grab bag of delightful things that I might want to sprinkle into my own interpretation of it, but like most grab bags, I find it’s generally just filled with cheap bullshit. 

THE TIMELINE. 

You would think that google wouldn’t be very difficult to use, but I don’t think they use it at Blizzard, as it took me all of about ten minutes to confirm that there was no way Lena could be a fast-jet pilot in the RAF, become a corporal (which in the RAF system is like being a section commander, admittedly that one took me more than ten minutes but it’s also not relevant to anyone but my overly-invested ass), get into OVerwatch, which we are meant to believe is an elite force, get lost in time, get brought back by Winston, BY THE TIME SHE IS 20. YOU CANNOT START FAST JET TRAINING BEFORE THE AGE OF 18 AND ON AVERAGE IT TAKES TWO YEARS. THIS IS WHAT THE ROYAL AIRFORCE FUCKING WEBSITE SAYS. 

And then when the fandom collectively was like, “Oh 26 is when she got lost in time and as a symptom of her condition and its treatment her body doesn’t age” they were extremely quick to be like, “Oh she totally ages normally we’re just idiots.” HOW DUMB DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO TURN DOWN A SOLUTION GIVEN TO YOU??? (I actually would like it if they would take what MUST be the implications of Lena’s disability more seriously, period, but that’s a personal little thorn in my fucking side) 

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU WILL NEVER ALLOW A WOMAN IN OVERWATCH TO AGE

It’s been more than seven years, since this must be before the SlipStream and Jack has gone completely grey, but Mercy looks the exact fucking same because reasons I guess oh wait all of them are “we need fap material” 

BUT I CAN’T BREAK UP WITH THEM!!! I CAN’T STOP MYSELF I NEED AN ADULT. 

QUICK QUIZ:

IF I COVERED UP THEIR FACES WOULD YOU KNOW WHO WAS TALKING? Write out the lines, put them next to each other. Could you possibly guess? I picked more extended conversations because obviously small sentences from person to person are often the same, but I feel like no one on Blizzard’s writing team has ever listened to a human being talk. I’m not even talking accents, I’m literally talking about sentence structure, word choice, personality. Even something like “In your prime minister’s infinite wisdom, he’s decided we’re not wanted there.” could be answered with “Well, I didn’t vote for him, did I?” and lend a million times more character to Lena (I KNOW I KNOW I’M GOING ON ABOUT HER LISTEN I LOVE HER AND THIS IS MY PERSONAL CROSS TO BEAR AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) than anything she’s given. 

This is a consistent and constant problem all throughout the writing of Overwatch, with the exception of some of the earliest shorts. Winston shows an exceptional amount of personality in a 2 minute teaser:

But when it comes to the comics and short stories, everyone sounds like an American dude. Which makes sense, as Michael Chu, and likely whoever will be replacing him, is an American dude. But characters should not sound like the author, and this is where the trick of saying dialogue out loud as you write it can be a trap. If you only recognize your own syntax and grammar as “natural,” everyone will sound the same. (Also often, though certainly not always, ESL speakers will have interesting constructions, as well as the fact that Standard American English and Standard British English have some different constructions, but literally all I’m asking for here is that characters sound different from EACH OTHER) 

But here I fucking am lapping it up, I have read every single comic religiously, more than once, I have made notes, I do this like some day something is going to actually satisfy me and I will stop having to wander this desert endlessly. 

This isn’t even going into the fucking obsession with the original trio, which was supposed to be the past of overwatch and not its fucking future but I SWEAR TO GODS I DO AND DO NOT BELIEVE IN, out of the comics and short stories, 6 of 21 heavily involve/revolve around the old guard. That doesn’t sound huge, but wait, it’s 28% of the comics and short stories. NEARLY A THIRD. 

Hey remember when this came out, and we thought these were going to be our main characters: 

I actually came up with a whole little ficlet thing about each of them (That I had picked up for myself) and why that was their line, how it represented them. Remember when Pharah was supposed to be a main character? Wasn’t that a great time for all of us? ANd now she gets thrown over for her mother ALL THE TIME. Her character has been totally sacrificed in the name of Ana Fucking Amari, to the point that 75% (I checked) of the stories involving her are about Ana. Can she have a little intrinsic motivation? As a treat? 

BUT I KEEP GOING BECAUSE I AM SO FUCKING STUPID!!!! This is completely indefensible! I mean, i can paste up pictures of Tracer all “Do ir for her” but the story is no longer concerned with Tracer anymore even though she is literally the face fo the game and oh my god if Overwatch 2 kills Jack and Ana off and we can stop fucking thinking about them ever I will be so fucking delighted. But you know what? I still follow them! I know, I KNOW, that they will write up something and I’ll so dissect it, because I!! AM A STUPID PERSON!!! WHO DOES NOT LOVE MYSELF!!! 

I am not even going to go into the fucking asspulls they do and fandom letting them get away with it (pharah AGAIN, but others also) becaue I have bene at this an hour and I already want to die. WHY DON’T I LOVE MYSELF

[modern-oedipus]

Update: I vented (both to my journal and a trusted friend), made a therapist appointment (I can get one per month but the time has come), cleaned my room and came up with some useful ideas to help me on the following semester. The recent days have been tough for me but I am overcoming slowly. I’m grateful for everyone who respected this and helped me the best they could.  Tomorrow I’m leaving for a (delayed) vacation. I’ll watch out for social distancing and hygiene as always. I have been worried and nearly depressed at the thought of online-college even though I am fully aware of the risks in-person education would bring. I’m not one to decide what my university is going to do, but I will get precautions to protect my mental and physical health. Of course there are things I can’t control, things unfortunate and horrifying and perhaps inevitable, like catching the virus and/or losing someone I love, dying, or being given permanent damage. This reminds me of the times when I was around 17 and there’d be attacks on Paris and I’d freak out. Anyway, this is a different threat, but it still leaves a trace even if I am not directly facing it.  But... There are things I can and cannot control. It’s important to focus on the parts I can control, right? So that I can be the most ready for the worst case without constantly worrying over it. Overdosed anxiety is really useless. (Fun fact: I never thought I had chronic anxiety, but my therapist low-key called me out once saying that I tend to have anxiety, even though she cannot fully diagnose me with it since my “symptoms” are not severe enough, but that they could become a problem if I didn’t keep them in check.)  But well, how can’t you be anxious in this time and age?  I think it’s humanly to be anxious, just... It’s just as humanly as being angry or bitter or salty. What matters is to acknowledge that anxiety and process it healthily without making it toxic for me or people around me.  So let me just vent this: THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. I fucking hate this, I’m so tired of always trying to “protect” my mental health, like, the moment I got my personal problems together, covid19 started. My precious college experience, of whom I lost 1.5 years due depression, got cancelled. Outdoors got cancelled. We don’t know what this virus is or how long I can’t go to the events (congresses, stage plays, concerts, protests, everything... that makes me feel alive and connected and happy and hype) or whether this covid leaves a permanent damage. My parents fucking divorced, and even though the divorce itself hasn’t been traumatic for me I still... switch houses... it’s just... weird. I miss having my family together. I miss doing the things I love, going out, laying on the grasses in front of the faculty with my Starbucks cup and chatting to my two best friends about anything and everything, going to classes, leaving classes, my best friend dragging me to the music faculty so I can listen and record him playing piano, or that we can go out for partying, or we can hit to gym, or we can stay for a coffee chat with everyone, or go to our cheesy dining hall lunches, join to 6 pm events, stay in library to rush a homework together, run to the classroom as we repeat out the enzyme names loud because we just have a quiz, wearing our lab coats and taking silly pics, pretending we get the next Nobel prize as we go to lab, visiting the student’s office in my newspaper, standing on the line of orientation and welcoming the freshmen with giant pics and convincing them to join our club, dancing, petting campus dogs, buying even more Starbucks, I just... I miss everything so much. This is my final year and what if I can never get to experience such a beautiful experience again? What if it is ruthlessly stripped from me despite the crazy tuition fee I pay for online fucking classes? Who on their right mind wants to do online college? It’s the best college here too, like... It ain’t even a bad college, so I can confidently say that I’m missing out A LOT. I know it is like this worldwide but... It doesn’t make my pain any less. And I know this is not a “big” problem compared to getting the virus, but this is severely impacting my mental health so even if this is not a “big” problem, this is valid and serious enough to drive me miserable, which means I need to talk about it.  I miss everything so much. It’s just.  JUST when I’m out of depression and feeling alive...  That I’m homestuck.

I had so many chances that I wasted half of it in my freshman year because I was suicidal. Now I am full of life, but home stuck, and it just hurts, okay? It fucking hurts. Even if I go study another major after this (I considered this since I studied a stem major but I really want some psychology/philosophy/media related things additionally) I will be, idk, 22? It won’t feel the same as being 21. No one can give me the 2020 back. I’m honestly just... so, so, so, so, SO sad. This is overwhelming. This much of online education is too much. And I know that even if we go to campus it’s not the same because we have to wear masks and stay split and cancel big events (which, believe me, I most religiously follow, the virus is no joke and I never let my guard down even for a second) so it won’t be the same. Just... why... why... why... If this virus really came because some guy ate a rat in China, then... 

On the other side, as sad and horrified as I feel, I don’t want to “waste” my time just because it’s “online”. I want to make the most of my time. I want to enjoy whatever I have, I just need to stop obsessing over “why...” and “what if...”s. I need to accept... that life is like this. But god, I guess that’s something for therapy because I’m honestly bad at accepting things which are genuinely unfair to me. Worse since this unfairness is not something that can be just “solved”. It’s not like a friendship conflict. It’s a bloody pandemic, what can I do?  Oh, right, speaking of what I can do, I’ve actually come up with a few solutions. They don’t “solve” the issue but they can decrease the damage enough that I can go on my day to day life at peace. 

But I’ll not talk about the solutions here, I just wanted to vent. I normally don’t post this type of vent here (the miserable ones) but since I refuse to write anyone in dm-s right now, I thought you could read it if you’re worried. I’m sorry but I still don’t want to talk to anyone (except those who are excluded), so.  Anyway, take care! 2020 is crazy but if we can get through this year we can probably get through many other challenges like they’re little snacks! Love you all!

[deanscroissant]

j.m. one-shot request (1)

Request: @mirkwoodshewolf hey dear hope I'm not too late to request a Joe fic from you. Could I maybe Joe comforting ready after having a stressful day (I've been kinda having a stressful week with school. All three of my classes I have to do essays all due next week plus other main homework) so I could really use some Joey pampering 

Pairng: Joe + reader

Warnings: fluff, cursing, a bit of angst

Word count:  1440

A/n: Here it is, my first request on this blog! I hope you enjoy this @mirkwoodshewolf​ and everyone who reads this. If I’ve made any mistakes I wanna apologize in advance lol. 

This past week has been a stressful week for you in your college career. For all three of your classes you had essays due by next week. In your Folklore and True Crime class you have to revise your crime brief essay, and for your Medieval Memoir class you have to analyze a poem. On top of all of that, you have to listen to about eight podcast episodes for the Folklore class that’s based off of a case so you can be ready to take the online quiz for it. 

You wanted to rip your hair out when you received these assignments, but you’ve been at full throttle since getting them. You’ve gotten fifty percent of the work done and you’re already worn out. That’s how it’s been for you for the past week. All you wanted was a break, a reboot or something to get you through until Fall break approaches. 

When you arrive to your apartment for the day you were happy to see Joe was home, but you didn’t really show it as you dragged through the door and made your way to the couch where Joe was sitting with his laptop on the coffee table. 

Joe was so focused on what he was doing that he didn’t hear you coming through the door. He saw you from the corner of his eye and turned to you. His face brighten when he sees you for the first time since this morning, and when he got ready to say hi he watches you flop face down on the couch next to him, followed by a muffled scream. 

He knew exactly what was wrong. You complained to him about it all week and he felt sorry for you, which made him offer to help but you politely declined. He had other work to do so you didn’t want to be in the way of that. 

Joe smiled and reached to rub your back, “Another rough one, huh?”

You rolled on your back with a pout and looked up to the ceiling, “College can eat shit and ass.”

“I take that as a yes.” He says while laughing, being caught off guard at your comment. “How does a bath and pizza sound?”

“It sounds great, but I’m not sure. I have a ton of stuff to do.”

Joe gave you a warning look, “Y/n?”

“I know, I know.” You placed your forearm over your eyes while a heavy sigh fell from your lips. It was common for you to put your self care aside and focus on your work, like almost every other college student. You felt like if you did anything but school work you were behind. Joe had to give you a serious talk about it once. He explained how in college he went through the same thing and it got to a point where he made himself extremely sick, physically and mentally, and he did not want you going down that path. 

“Let me ask that again.” he smirked as he stood to climb on top of you. He got close to your face with your noses touching each other, “How does a bath and pizza sound?”

You tried to keep a straight face but you couldn’t help but break out into a fit of giggles, “Sounds great, babe.”

Joe grinned and planted a kiss on your lips, then the tip of your nose before moving away to pick you up and carry you to your shared bedroom. He places you on the bed and tells you to get undressed and stay there while he runs your bath. He makes your aromatherapy bath by adding a bath bomb infused with lavender essential oil, then mixing sweet almond oil to dilute it so the lavender oil wouldn’t irritate your skin. 

Lastly, he turned on the speaker that was near the set of candles on the counter top before lighting the vanilla scented candles. When he came back out you’re laying on the bed, almost falling asleep. Joe chuckles as he walks over to you, “Come on, sleepy head.” he says while scooping you up. 

“I’m so tired.” you whined while burying your face into his neck. 

“I know.” he cooed and turns his head to kiss the top of your head. 

It felt like you were in heaven the way Joe was massaging your scalp, along with the warmth of the water relaxing your tense muscles and the scent of the oils dancing in the air. Everything was feeling just right. You wished you could receive this treatment everyday.

Joe began talking about his day and what he worked on so far for his next film. He knows how much you loved his voice, so when you’re not responding back he knows that you’re just listening, or probably knocked out. 

After enjoying the much needed bath and getting dressed in your comfort wear for the evening, Joe decided to put a cucumber face mask on you...well, his cucumber face mask. He talks about this stuff like it’s the best thing in the world. It does help make your face less puffy and look less tired. You’ve used it before but Joe doesn’t know that. 

Once that was done, Joe carried you back into the living room to watch Netflix. Midsomer Murders was a show you and Joe are watching religiously at the moment. Not only is it a great show, Gwilym was in it, which was a bonus. 

“I’m going to fix some tea. You want your usual?” he asked as he handed you the remote. 

“Yeah now go away. Gwil is talking.” you say while waving your hands at him, your attention now focused on the T.V. 

Joe playfully rolls his eyes at you and chuckles, “Ya know, I’m starting to think you love him more than me.”

“Now you see how I feel about you with Cardy B. Now hush, go.” you waved at him again and he lets out a laugh. 

“Fine. Guess I’m just your servant now.” he says but knows you didn’t pay any attention to it. When he comes back with the tea he sits next to you and pulls you into him. “You okay?” he asks you. 

You respond with a nod while yawning, “Yeah.” By the end of the episode you were getting very sleepy, but you wanted to watch one more episode. As soon as you thought about that you remembered about your assignments, which made you groan. “Let’s go to bed.”

“Are you sure?” Joe looks down at you to see your eyes getting heavy, “You’ve had enough of Gwil?”

“Oh never.” you chuckled while sitting up. “I just want to be up early tomorrow and get some work done.”

Joe nods and reaches for the remote to turn off the T.V., “Alright. Off to bed we go!” He stands and grabs the tea cups while telling you that he’ll meet you in the room. When your settled in bed Joe comes in a couple of minutes later and climbs on top of you. You let out a half-sigh/groan, “Joey, not tonight.”

He pauses and looks at you confused, “That was not my intentions, babe.” he laughs, “I was also going to be your masseuse for the evening.”

“Oh, well you don’t have to tell me twice.” you say while sitting up to take off your tank top and toss it on the floor. You turn to lay on your back and got comfortable, but it was a long pause and you were wondering what Joe was doing. You looked over your shoulder to see him staring down at you adoringly, which made you shake your head and giggle, “You weird ass. I thought something was wrong.”

“No. I just can’t believe how gorgeous you are is all.” he says with a toothy grin. He leans down to plant kisses across your shoulders gently while running his hands down your back. A soft moan escapes your lips as your eyes fluttered closed at his touch. He sits back and begins your massage. 

“Thank you for pampering me today, Joey.” you say below a whisper, hoping that he heard what you said before you fell into a deep sleep. 

Joe smiles and leans down to kiss the side of your head, “Goodnight, y/n.” he says before reaching to turn off the lamp on your nightstand. He slides into his side of the bed and pulls you into him, your arm wrapping around his waist and your head on his chest. He plays with your hair until he goes into a deep sleep himself. 

[painted-crow]

I haven't been on tumblr in a hot century so it feels a little weird to be writing a submission to you... but I just bingeread most of this blog and your way of explaining the shc system is so gloriously comprehensible that I really want to pour my brain out at your feet and have you explain the bits to me.

I hope life is treating you well and thank you for the awesome blog you run. The way you describe things and the way you help people sort themselves is clear and clever and so very kind of you to do, and that's what I appreciates about you. :)

(This was a chunk of a submission from someone who ended up sending in a second version that I answered in depth, but the fan mail portion from this first version was so sweet that it seems mean to just delete it. So here it is, as a #cutie post. 😊)

[rosemerriam]

Dreamer’s Tale

Summary: I had a very interesting dream with my crush and I felt overcome with the need to write it all down before I forgot anything. Here is a story inspired by that dream. It's very strange and very out of character for me as a person. I replaced my name with another one. I am a violinist like the main character of this story. It’s a little bit horror with the smallest hint of romance. It may read like a bad crack fic because most of the “comedy” moments come directly from my dream.

Artist: Yuta from NCT

Words: Almost 2.4 k

“Okay! Start again from the top!” Ms. Melisma counted us in. The First Violins began the intro. I moved away from Jeno whose exaggerated movements were about to knock me off of my own seat. The Cellos came in next with the Bass, playing a harmonic drone. The Violas began with their part, acting as a metronome, keeping us all in time. Finally, the Second Violins played the countermelody. The Firsts and Seconds played off of one another. One section would play a part and rest. The other section would reply with another part and rest. Measure 35 came when the bell rang. All the freshman jumped up to pack up their instruments. The upperclassman followed after the enthusiastic freshman.

Jeno and I walked over to our violin cases.

“How do you think rehearsal went today?”

Jeno turned to me as he put his bow away. “Oh well, it went great! I gotta say, my dynamics are superior to everyone else.”

“Yes, yes, your fortes are loud as well as your pianos, which are supposed to be soft,” I said. “Jeno, you need to quit moving so much. Some movement is fine but holy shit, I thought you were going to knock me over.”

He patted my head as I glared at him. “Aw, poor Li Na,” he began to squish my cheeks.

“I’m gonna kill you in your sleep one day and take the first chair title away from you.” We walked over to put away violins away in our locker on the violin and viola side of the room.

“Yeah, good luck with that,” he patted my head once again. “Okay, I’m off. I’m gonna go to McDonald's.”

“Don’t you have chemistry next?” My eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

“Yeah, I do.”

“So…”

“Listen, Mr. Anoo has been pissing me off lately.”

“Is this because of the 89 he gave you on your last quiz?”

“It should have been a 90!”

“Whatever,” I threw my hands up in surrender. “Don’t be stupid and get caught.”

“Me? Stupid? Li Na, please.”

I rolled my eyes as Jeno walked out of the classroom. I felt my stomach ache, begging for food. My phone said that it was only 10:23, three hours until I could eat lunch. I walked over to Ms. Melisma.

“Hey, Ms. Melisma?” I asked with puppy eyes.

“Yes, Li Na?”

“Could I have some candy? I feel really drained from today’s rehearsal.”

“I would let you but you have approximately one and a half minutes to get to your next class and Yuta is waiting for you.”

I turn around to see Yuta, the section leader for the Cellos and also my Calculus classmate, standing by the door. I let out a sigh and walk over.

“Yuta?” I looked up at the tall boy. Well, to be fair, almost everyone was taller than me.

“Li Na?” he answered back in a joking, mocking tone.

“Do you have any candy?”

“Yep!” he held out his hand which was full of Starbursts from Ms. Melisma’s office.

“Ahh, can I have a pink one?” My hands hold onto Yuta’s arm, begging.

He snatched his hand away from me. “Nope! I’m saving the pink ones for my sisters.”

“Whatever,” I pouted. “Wait, how’d you even get these?”

“Oh, I have a copy of Ms. Melisma’s keys.”

My head snaps up to look at the tall boy with extreme confusion. I decide not to question it. “Whatever, just let me into her office so I can get my own candy since you don’t want to share.”

“Sure, if you can reach any of the jars,” he said as he was opening her door. I walk in and grab Ms. Melisma’s step stool. Of course, since Ms. Melisma was also short, she was going to have some type of tool to reach her tall shelves. We left the room and head out to the courtyard. The courtyard was where students cut through the large circular school. I’m about to walk on the West Bridge when Yuta stops me.

“Hey, let’s go through the cafeteria today.”

I pause in thought. “Hm, okay, sure!”

He smiled like how he always does when he gets his way. We walk down the stairs of the courtyard and make our way to the cafeteria door. I’m about to go through another stairway when Yuta stops me again.

“Hold on, let’s get some food.” I look around the cafeteria. There weren’t any students or guards and the lunch ladies were busy getting all the food ready. I check my phone’s clock. We were already late for class. Though our teacher was lenient on me, the same couldn't be said for a certain stubborn boy. But then my stomach growled at the scent of all the mediocre food cooking around us. Maybe calculus could wait until tomorrow.

Yuta grinned. “So I take it, that’s a yes?”

“Fine. But I’m not sharing any of my tater tots with you,” I humphed, grabbing a nearby serving of tater tots.

“That’s fine by me as long as you don’t rat me out for stealing a school lunch tray.”

“Wait, what?” I turn to see Yuta shoving a tray into his book bag, a chaotic glint in his eyes. He begins eating a hot dog when I said, “What possible reason could there be for you to want a school lunch tray?”

“I felt like it,” he shrugged.

I shook my head, muttering something about how weird he is as we walked around the basement. We make our way to a stairwell where I tried to jump to touch the top of the doorway. I failed . Yuta laughed at my failure, put on a poker face, and touched the top of the doorway with no effort. I huffed at my sore defeat.

“Not fair! It’s not my fault I’m so short,” I sat down on the stairs, beginning to eat my tater tots.

Yuta sat one step below me, his long legs laid across the stair.

“‘Not fair’?” he joked. “Well, you should have thought of that before you became so short!”

I scoffed. “You say that like I became short on purpose.” I sat up taller. “Look at us right now. I’m finally about your height and we’re on different steps with different sitting positions. Look at you, you’re slouching whereas I’m sitting up straight.” We both laughed and ate our food.

"What are you two doing?"

I looked up to see one of the school's priests.

"Uh..." Yuta said, caught off guard by the sudden intrusion. "Father Teddy, I can explain, you see--"

"You're skipping class again, aren't you?"

"Well--"

"And to think, you've dragged Li Na into this mess as well."

"Well actually--" I attempt to defend Yuta but get cut off.

"Both of you, my office. Now." Father Teddy turned around, leaving us to follow after him.

Father Teddy always gave me the creeps. Given the choice, I'd take my chances with unpredictable Yuta. I clung onto Yuta's arm as we walked up to the stairs and into the hallway towards Father Teddy's office. The hallway held two offices, Father Teddy's and Father Murphy's. Both had windows and doors opposite of the other. The left side of the hallway was Father Teddy's office and the right side Father Murphy's.

As Father Teddy opened his office door, I could hear a very familiar movie playing. His office was a standard one with a tv on the ceiling that was always playing some cheesy, religious movie. This time the movie was The Sound of Music. The office wasn't empty this time either. Inside was Jeno who was sound asleep.

Yuta and I say nothing when we sat down next to Jeno. Father Teddy took a seat across from us, his hands intertwined, as if he was about to pray, on his desk. He hands me and Yuta paper cups with some tea in it. I drink the tea, grateful for something to do. Anything would be better than talking to adults with authority.

Father Teddy opened his mouth, but for some reason, I was completely unable to understand him. Noise came out of his mouth that felt like words but none of which I could comprehend. It was clear that the priest was talking to me, or at least, trying to. His eyebrows scrunched together in frustration.

"Li Na, are you okay? What were you doing out of class? Li Na!"

Father Teddy's words finally made some sense to me.

"Yes, Father Teddy?"

"Are you alright? Are you unable to recall things?"

I looked at him. What on earth could have caused him to jump to that conclusion?

He seemed to have misinterpreted my confusion. He then asked, "Li Na, do you remember anything you did last night?"

Finally, a question that wasn't dumb and one I could actually understand.

"Yes. I did my nightly skincare routine after brushing my teeth. Then I drank some water and went to bed."

"'Skincare routine,'" he repeated with a condescending tone. "I could never understand how teenage girls do such unnecessary things every single day. You do such frivolous tasks but not pray?"

Now it was my turn to get frustrated.

"Father Teddy. It is not unnecessary to want to take care of yourself. I am a firm believer in how I appear to others will impact the way they treat me."

"I see." Father Teddy stood up from his chair and stormed out of the room.

The room was dead silent except for the quiet singing of Julie Andrews in the background.

I turned to Yuta. "Yuta, what are we doing here? He's going to keep asking me questions. I don't live in the best household but I rather not get separated from my siblings. We have to get out of here."

We both glanced at the window. Father Teddy was talking to Father Murphy in the hallway. Father Murphy was known as a strict priest who hated children. Rumors spread about how he "talked to" students, each rumor scarier than the last.

"You're right. Come on, let's get out of here." Yuta agreed.

"Jeno, Jeno." I walked over to Jeno to wake him up.

"Huh? Li Na? When did you get here? Ha, I ended up getting caught but Father Teddy was real nice about it and gave me this tea. It's funny, I don't even know if it really was tea. My man's could have drugged me for all I know."

"Jeno, you're talking a lot right now," I said, exasperated. " Yuta and I are going. Come with us."

"Oh shit, that sounds fun! Okay, bet."

We ran out of the office. I could hear over my pants the priests calling security guards. We barely made it to one of the school entrances when staff began to chase after us. Jeno and I follow after Yuta into the parking lot.

"Damn it, Yuta! Why did you park your car so damn far?" Jeno shouted to the boy.

"I need to get my steps in!" He shouted back.

"You don't even have a step tracker, what the hell are you talking about?" I said, breathless. It's a lot of work trying to keep up with the two, not to mention, the growing number of guards chasing after us.

"Li Na, get on my back. Your legs are too slow," Jeno slowed his pace enough for me to jump onto his back.

We finally see Yuta's old, red pick up truck and get in. Security yelled at us to get out of the vehicle but Yuta is set on his goal to get the hell away from school property. Tires screeched as we zoom our way out of the parking lot and into the road.

I spot a case of water bottles on the ground and hand one to Jeno. Then I grabbed two more and climbed into the passenger seat. I nearly finished half of the water bottle. My body made it very clear that I was exhausted from being chased by athletic adults. The three of us sat in silence before Yuta confessed, "I needed to get out of there. I've done some shit. I've killed people. You know the lake in the city next to us? Nine bodies. You know the creek in the city next to that one? Another body."

My eyes blinked heavily. Memories of Jeno's words came back as my head nodded off into a daze. I wasn't quite falling asleep. My body was still full of adrenaline. But even still, the tea's effects began to kick in. I opt to stare out the window. Trees and familiar buildings pass by. The familiar buildings faded to less familiar ones to fields of green.

Yuta slowed the truck down to a stop in front of a hill.

"C'mon, I need to stretch my legs."

"But what about Je--oh." I had turned around only to find Jeno snoring in the back seat.

We climbed the hills and stopped, watching the sunset. I laid on my belly next to Yuta who sat with his legs out, leaning his hands on the ground.

"Li Na, do you like me?"

"Huh?" I sat up at his sudden question. "Like as in a crush or in general?"

He shrugged.

"Yeah, I do."

The sun was bleeding orange.

"Why?"

The clouds cried tears of pink that faded to purple the farther away from the sun they got.

"Well to state the obvious, you're cute. But there's something about your playing. The way you play the cello is so beautiful. It's like when you recall a nostalgic memory. Your expression is so full of melancholy."

Everything was golden but the sky wept in red.

"I see."

The sun had finally set and the moon helped guide us back to the truck. Jeno was awake and drove instead. I wasn't sure where we were going but it didn't matter anymore. Yuta sat in the back. Exhaustion finally hit both of us. Jeno turned the radio on to give him company while we faded away.

"Reports of missing teens thought to be highly dangerous...two males and one female...both tall...short...warning that they are most likely armed...please call..."

Most were lies but it didn't matter anymore. We all fade away.

[spidermando]

kaleidoscope [Soulmate!AU]

Pairing: Peter Parker X Reader

Word Count: 1700+

Warnings: near death, rushed writing

Authors note: OKAY, i had writers block and finally wrote this. I'm sorry if it seems a little rushed, I'm really busy with school.

Masterlist

With my shirt bunched around my chest, I turned and stared at myself. The glass reflected exactly what I was, an almost woman, standing hesitantly in a mirror with her eyebrows furrowed. A patch of discoloured skin ran across my waist, followed by a hand print.

No one knows how, or who made it this way. Religious people say it’s God and others just figured it was an embodiment of fate. But one thing was for sure, we all have that one sign of a soulmate. That one connection that ties us together. Some people have a timer, slowly counting down to the moment they’ll meet their significant other. While others have the first words their ‘lover’ will ever say to them, tattooed on their skin just waiting to be said. Once those words are spoken, the tattoo glows a red colour, and then fades into their skin, now a faint reminder of who they have. Some aren’t as simple.

A few people have what’s called a ‘heart-mate’. When these two soulmates meet, their heartbeats sync together and for the rest of their life’s, they’ll beat with alongside. Another uncommon connection is the shared pain. Before they even meet, if one is in pain then the other one will feel it. They are forever linked, joint by their shared agony.

Then there’s people like me, who have the rarest connection of all. We have a patch of skin different from the rest. It’s the first place our soulmates touch us, and when they finally do, well I don’t really know. It’s so rare that no one knows what happens. There’s theories, but almost no facts. So, I often find myself studying the mark, desperate to know who’s going to wrap their arm around me, and what’s going to happen when they do.

I’m in my final year of school, running towards graduation at full speed. And as soon as I’m finished, I’ll be travelling far and wide to find my special one.

“Hurry up, Y/N!” My mother’s voice echoes up the stairs, through my open door and into my room.

I immediately loosen the grip on my shirt, leaving it to fall back in place. Then with my backpack slung over my shoulder, I run downstairs and to the front door.

My mum greets me with a smile, making conversation as we start our daily transit to Midtown school of science and technology. Roughly 20 minutes later I found myself at my locker, which Michelle stood next to.

“Hey there,” she jabbed.

My eyebrows wrinkled as I turn to her, “what?”

MJ looks behind her and into the crowded hallway. I can instantly tell that her eyes are on him, her long-time friend and crush. Peter, Peter Parker. What this has to do with me, I have no idea.

“Y’know he’s not the one, right?” I question, shutting the locker and turning fully to her.

MJ was one of the lucky ones, she had a timer on her forearm. It currently sat on 3 years, 4 months, 10 days, 40 minutes and 32 seconds. So, considering she’d known Peter for years they definitely weren’t soulmates.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be together.’ She bites her lip as she looks over at him again, before turning back to me and smiling. “C’mon, let’s go over there.”

I didn’t even have a chance to respond, as she turned around and walked over. Rolling my eyes, I followed behind her.

“Hey Peter, Ned.” She smiles as she speaks, turning her head to Ned as she addresses him.

“Hey MJ,” he chimes. Then he turns his glance to me, “Y/N.”

Ned says something; however, I can’t quite make it out, so I remain still as Michelle and him quickly jumping into a conversation. Peter and I stand in silence, but it isn’t the least bit awkward. It’s odd, really. We’ve never experienced awkward silence together, it’s just always felt super chill.

Talking about chill.

“Isn’t it a bit hot to be wearing a jumper?”

My question must’ve caught him off guard, as he jumped back slightly. “I-uh-I-yeah. Probably, but I’m more sensitive to the cold.” My eyes caught him pulling down on his sleeves.

“Hm,” I nodded slowly. “Fair enough.”

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Peter not wearing a long sleeve shirt, jumper or jacket before. He’s either telling the truth or he has something to hide. And as cool as the latter one would be, it’s probably the first one.

“Spider-Man..”

Ned’s words instantly caught my attention, so I turn my head to try and involve myself in the conversation.

“Spider Man?”

MJ smiles, elbowing Ned in the ribs. “I told you that would catch her attention.”

“Okay, you were right.” Ned laughed. “We were just talking about how Spider Man saved this woman the other day.”

“Oh yeah, the one in the burning building?”

“No, the one in the alley.” MJ corrected me.

A small smile made its way to my face as I looked down at the ground, just like I did every time I’m gushing. “He saves so many people, he’s a real hero.”

“Look at you,” she teased. “You don’t even know who he is and you’re crushing on him. I bet you wish he was saving you.”

My cheeks tint red as I look back up, making direct eye contact with Peter. “I mean, I’m not objecting.”

Peter blushed too, going to open his mouth and talk when the bell rang through the hall.

MJ grasps my elbow, starting to tug me down the hall. “C’mon, we’ve got an English quiz.”

The day continued as normal and I finally found myself at the end of the day.

MJ walked me to my locker, saying a swift goodbye and leaving to go to her own. Slinging my backpack over my shoulder, I left the school and headed to my favourite Subway shop. There I brought my normal after school snack and climbed up the fire escape and to the roof. Technically, I wasn’t supposed to be up here. But I did it never the less, enjoying the frill or breaking the rules and the view I got of Queens. Because of it. Sure, it wasn’t the tallest building in the area, but it was tall enough to feel comfortably isolated from the busy environment.

I leaned against the wall, getting my laptop out of my bag and opening my unfinished maths assignment. Unwrapping my sandwich, I munched on it as I worked on my school work.  

There were a few bites of my sandwich left, when a loud bang sounded across. It was so intense that I dropped my sandwich and clutched my ears. The muffled sounds of sirens followed, leaving me curious and slightly frightened.

The second the sounds calmed down, I stood up and ran over to the buildings edge. Despite having the height advantage from the building, I still struggled to see what was going on. Looking down, I saw people running through the streets in a state of mass hysteria. My stomach twisted in fear, as I leaned further over the edge.

What was going on? Why were people screaming?

“Someone help! Oh god, please help!”

The words caused my heart to pump a little faster, and I leaned even further.

I must’ve been even more nervous than I thought, as my hands became clammy. I didn’t think much about it, just digging my nails into the concert holding me up.

My hands slipped and before I could regain my footing, I was already falling over the barrier.

A shrill screamed squeezed my insides and racked my throat, escaping into the open air.

I dropped through the air, my arms and legs flailing around.

And then suddenly an arm wrapped around my waist and squeezed my hip. In a state of shock, I could hardly see anything apart from a blur of blue and red.

It felt like hours, but in reality, was seconds, before I was back on flat ground.

“Are you okay?”

The voice was shockingly familiar, but I didn’t linger as I looked up at him.

Holy shit, that’s Spider Man.

“I-I’m okay, t-t-thank you.” I fell over my own words, still shocked that I fell off the roof and that someone actually caught me. Then there was the fact that it was SPIDER MAN.

My waist was tingling, still feeling the aftershock of his touch.

“I’ve got to go, but stay safe.”

And then he was gone.

I took a few deep, rattling breaths, struggling to comprehend what just happened.

I fell of a building, and Spider-Man caught me. He actually caught me, and then he brought me safely back to earth.

It took a while, but eventually my body stopped trembling. The Goosebumps went away and it became easier to breathe. I took small, unsteady steps in the direction of my apartment.

I was minutes away from home when I noticed it.

Despite being somewhat calm and collected, I could still feel the tingling in my waist. Taking the last leg of the journey in a jog, I sprinted up the stairs and through the front door. Finding the closet mirror, I grasped the bottom of my shirt and was about to pull it up, when I paused.

Was this actually happening? Could I have just potentially met my soulmate? If he was my soulmate then how would I tell him? It’s not like I know who Spider Man actually is. And if this is actually it, what was I going to see? What did I want to see?

I found myself taking another deep breath and pushing the thoughts away. Because let’s be honest, the chances of him being my soulmate are slim. So slim that they hardly exist.

And then I turned around and pulled the shirt up.

What I saw instantly caused me to suck in a breath.

Where there use to be a patch of discoloured skin, there was now a kaleidoscope of colours. A mix of pink, purple, green, blue, red, orange, yellow, black, white and everything in-between. They swirled together, covering what I once thought was hideous and making it beautiful. My eyes couldn’t be torn away, so immersed in the moving shades to concentrate on anything else.

A million thoughts ran through my head, jumping around and making me dizzy.

But there was one thing for sure, I’d met my soulmate.

And my soulmate was Spider Man.

Marvel taglist:

@in-the-potterhead-know 

everything taglist:

@antisocialshipper @ryleighisapanda @creepy-soul-taker

[whitneyrmcguireblog]

On Black Breastfeeding Week

By Whitney McGuire

It’s Black Breastfeeding Week according to Instagram and I’m sad. I don’t want to waste time describing the sadness, and maybe that’s not even the right word to describe how I feel, but tears are welling up in my eyes and my heart aches a bit.  I’m a black woman. I had a baby 4 months ago. I am not breastfeeding.

I don’t have time to entertain judgments, even those cloaked in support. And trust me, there are a lot. I’ve already lashed out on a woman for communicating the assumption that I stopped breastfeeding due to cosmetic reasons. Now that I think about it, I’m like, “so what if it was?” I only have time to be present - to see that my first child, who’s somewhat traumatic entry into this world (for me) revealed parts of myself of which I wholeheartedly am in awe. 

Presently, I see flashbacks of endless pregnancy nausea (worse than morning sickness. I had that too.) and breastfeeding classes at my midwife’s office. The joyful expectation that I will be a great mother who breastfeeds her child for at least a year. A. Great. Mother. I learned latching techniques, different hold positions to make for a comfortable feed for me and baby, and an understanding that every woman can and should breastfeed her child. “Was my former co-worker actually hyperbolizing when she said she couldn’t produce breastmilk for both of her children as she broke down in the break room every other day?” I faded out of my inner questioning and listened to statistics being tossed at me from the breastfeeding counselor making it patently clear that the act by omission -- not breastfeeding your child -- is basically considered child abuse. It didn’t take long for my instagram explore page algorithm to catch up , depicting images of pregnant women, or women with young children, happy and glowing. I knew not to click on those images. I am pretty cognizant of strengthening my muscle not to compare. But sometimes I skipped my workouts. Sometimes those images brought me to profiles that inevitably revealed a woman with one or both breasts exposed and the back of a baby’s head cradled lovingly, happily sucking away. Images like this made me feel warm and proud. Like I was about to join a sisterhood of like-minded, revolutionary, strong women championing the normalization of breastfeeding. A few looked like me. Many didn’t.

After giving birth, a lactation consultant visited me the day before I was discharged from my 7-day stay. She sat on the foot of my hospital bed. I sat in a recliner nursing my new child. He was very small. He decided to come four weeks early. The consultant quizzed me. “Do you know why breastfeeding is so important?” I listed stats I’d memorized from my breastfeeding class and hours of prior research on the topic. I wanted to be a GREAT mom. I had already delivered via emergency c-section and was repeatedly reminded how dangerously high my blood pressure was due to preeclampsia. I already wasn’t starting this motherhood journey the way I’d hoped. So, I didn’t want to fuck this quiz up.  She affirmed the correctness of my answers and gave me a warm smile and nod. I took that to mean that she agreed with me. I was going to be a great mom.

By the second week of my son’s life earthside, I had one nipple that was chaffed, sore, bleeding occasionally. Yes. I used the organic nipple balm. The other nipple was functioning but was unfortunately attached to the less milk abundant breast. My son began to fuss. Loudly. His entire body stiff, arms splayed open in frustration. Until this point, his latch had been great. Something changed, however. Now, he kicked aggressively and cried abundant tears when my nipple made contact with his mouth. He was not eating enough. I researched why this could be. I tried different holds, pumping even the sore nipple with tears of agony welling up in my eyes to try to produce more milk to freeze for future bottle feedings. I wanted to be prepared to give myself time to heal when/if this happened again. Pumping on a chaffed nipple was what I’d hoped was peak “this sucks,” for me. They tell you pumping more will help you produce more milk. I’ve heard many testimonials to this truth and a few to the contrary. For me, pumping only produced more tears. My nipple eventually healed after I began using a plastic nipple guard my friend, also a new mother, purchased for me. Feedings became easier. Finally, I felt like one of those moms I admired. Some I knew. Others I didn’t. Moms who look like they take time and energy to be patient loving attentive moms. My son enjoyed the nipple guard too.

One month after my baby’s birthday, I sat on the stoop of our brownstone Apartment cradling him prepared to finally breastfeed outside of my home or the pediatrician’s office/ ob/gyn clinic. It was a hot day. We didn't have air conditioning. I was proud to possibly perform what I considered an amazing phenomenon of the human body, in public. I wanted to look anyone in the eye who passed and glanced in my direction during this sacred, beautiful act. I was ready to make my activism seen...known.  I wanted to challenge any glances contrary to approval. Proud. Stern. Stately. I am proudly a black woman. I was also proudly a breastfeeding woman -- just with a nipple guard. Eventually it was time to feed my baby.  I realized I left the nipple guard upstairs, so I took out one of my breasts and attempted to put my bare nipple in my baby’s mouth. He hollered and protested. A foiled attempt however, not the final one. 

Two weeks later the kicking and screaming started again, even with the nipple guard. I relied on the advice and support of my fellow new moms one of which paid for an in-home lactation consultant. This one was different than the hospital counselor. She was more thorough. She weighed my baby before and after feeding. She observed his latch and informed me that I probably didn’t need the nipple guard anymore. “He’s doing perfectly! Great latch!” I smiled in affirmation. But felt the sting of impending failure creep up from that nipple guard comment. I had been using it religiously for a little over a month. Maybe that was too much time. She watched me pump for 20 minutes. Observed that I was producing a “perfect” amount of milk and put me on a more strict pumping schedule so I could start to store milk. I hadn’t been able to store milk during the days leading up to her visit. His appetite had grown voracious. I was pumping and feeding around the clock. Days blurred together. I was so tired. I resented my husband for being able to leave the house to go to the laundromat or the corner deli. I cried more. My child’s appetite grew more insatiable.

I lamented a bit on instagram stories about my journey thus far. Many mothers expressed their similar journeys and frustrations with breastfeeding. They connected me to other moms and doulas. A few moms directed to lactation support groups. The thing was, I had anxiety about leaving the house. I was unsure that I would be able to perform the act of breastfeeding in front of other moms. I began to feel my goal of being a great mom slipping away. How was I only 1.5 months in and already fucking up?

A very good friend of mine, a mother of four young children, also a black woman, informed me that she too was unable to adequately breastfeed her first 3 children. She supplemented the little breast milk she was able to produce with formula and donor milk. She too pumped often, on the highest setting sometimes. Her first three children had been delivered via cesarean. All three had some amount of trauma attached the circumstances of their birth, from hospital staff to insurance, her first was the most traumatic of them all. Yet, all of her children are remarkable. My idea of a great mother was becoming more layered. As a result, I massaged the thought of formula feeding and tabled it.

I’ll never forget asking my husband, through tears, to run to the drug store to get formula one particularly rough night. I counted every ounce of formula I gave my baby. I tried to reserve his consumption of it for times when he wouldn’t latch at all, which became more and more frequent. Every time I prepared a bottle of formula for him I cried. I couldn’t watch my husband feed it to him. Each time he was fed from the bottle, his crying stopped. He was full, not of breast milk, but of a manufactured substance. He would burp and fall asleep just like he did when he was full of breast milk. He was full. He was at peace. Did he know the difference? Maybe I wasn’t a great mom at the moment, but I was starting to feel like a pretty ok one.

Feeding my baby formula two weeks into his third month still evoked intense sadness for me, but somehow it also allowed me to experience more freedom: longer naps, sporadic phone meetings for work, time out of the house with or without my baby. The sadness led me to once again seek out lactation support. A doula I met on Instagram told me how bad the formula advice was that my friend gave me. I disagreed but thought this doula’s perspective was worth exploring. Maybe my friend wasn’t as educated as this doula was on the subject. Maybe this doula wasn’t as educated about the validity of one’s inability to breastfeed.

I walked 2 miles (part of my personal recovery from my csection) to another lactation counselor’s office. I’d called the day before to make sure someone would be there. I showed up. She wasn’t there. My hopes of reclaiming my great mom title came crashing down. It didn’t help that I had also just had an argument with a close friend that morning. I was reeling with anger and frustration. “WHY HAS ALL OF THIS BEEN SO HARD?!” My pregnancy was mired in sickness. I developed a disease that came pretty close to taking me, my baby, or both of us out of here. And now breastfeeding wasn’t going well? I felt faint and dizzy from the thoughts of failure. I accepted defeat during the two mile walk back home and immediately made my son a bottle of formula. 

I’m four months into being a mom and I’m learning more and more each day that I am not just an ok mom, I’m a good mom. I know this based on the fact that my child is happy and according to his pediatrician, quite healthy. He exudes joy. He is taken care of and loved with every fiber of his parents’ (and grandparents’) being. I’m still sad, however. When hashtags and my instagram algorithm remind me that other moms would look at what I feed my child in pure disgust, I get sad. When I see my friends effortlessly whip out a boob to soothe their fussy child forming an instant, animalistic, instinctual, necessary bond, I’m sad.  My mother breastfed me for two months before switching to formula. She had to go back to work. She tells me she couldn’t produce enough milk to store. I too had a voracious appetite, apparently.  I didn’t know this until after I gave birth. Why would I? I didn’t fit the description of the “formula fed baby” I pieced together from the statistics freely tossed at me during breastfeeding class.

Simply put, my baby preferred the bottle over my breast. Ultimately, he decided for himself and left me in the grey of a seemingly black and white issue: breastfeeding is best, formula is worst. Pick a side. What of those of us whose children picked a side for them? Are we cast out of the club? Do we form our own club? As a black woman, I’m pretty exhausted with aspects of my existence being defined in reaction to othering. And now, it seems like there’s no way for me to cross the isle into Breastfeeding Mom Land. Even if breastfeeding women empathize with my situation, I will still envy their ability to breastfeed because I cannot. I will still, somehow be othered and quite frankly, as a result, judged. Motherhood is not a monolith. Our experiences, while somewhat similar, are wholly our own. So are our children (archaic concepts of the ownership of people aside). The best lesson from motherhood so far is that my child is not a vessel for my insecurities or fears. He is not a projection of the aspirations I have for myself. He is his own person with his own karma, abilities, and abundant future (hopefully joyful) experiences. 

The movement for public breastfeeding is in the lead for breastfeeding causes and this messaging exists in a variety of media. Black breastfeeding is a distant cousin. Still present. Not as amplified. Which is why I wholeheartedly support Black Breastfeeding Week and its mission. I want other black mothers to know of this movement. I want them to do their independent research on breastfeeding, take classes, form support networks early and often (or at least know where to go for breastfeeding support). Very few moms discuss how incredibly hard breastfeeding actually is. Even fewer discuss the inherent effects of racism on black mothers from the healthcare system to the availability of general education on the topic of breastfeeding. #Blackbreastfeedingweek will hopefully change that.

I am choosing to nurture my child holistically. I’m not sure whether this means stepping away from social media to eliminate the trigger of seeing a woman breastfeeding, especially since I’ve received so much helpful advice and support from complete strangers on social media. I am sure that it involves formula, albeit organic. I’m certainly not happy about my ejection from the breastfeeding club, especially when I tried so hard to get in. Expending more time and resources to be told what I’ve already tried, about which I’ve cried so so much about to this day, no longer interests me. I’m really only interested in being present for my baby’s beautiful growth which I’m overjoyed to witness, even behind occasional tears.

[littlefoxesonthehillside]

Random Qs

When was the last time you cried?

Today.  

Have you ever faked sick?

Yes.  

What was the last lie you said?

That I had errands to run.  

Have you ever cried during a movie?

Yes.  

Have you ever danced in the rain?

No.  

Have you ever been drunk?

Yes. 

Do you smoke?

No.

Have you ever been in a car accident?

Yes.  

How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?

23.  

Who was your first kiss?

Some guy I met on Grindr.

Have you ever had an online relationship?

Yes.  

Have you ever been rejected by a crush?

No.  

What is your favourite sport to play?

Basketball.  

Have you ever made a prank phone call?

No.  

Have you ever said "I Love you" and not meant it?

No.  

Is there anything that you have done that you regret?

Yes.  

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Normal.  

What is your political persuassion?

Liberal.  

Do you believe in g-d?

No.  

Do you believe in love at first sight?

No.  

Do you believe in karma?

No.  

Who was your first crush?

One of my classmates.  

Who do yo uhave a crush on?

Define crush.  

How would you describe yourself?

Awkward, depressive wreck.  

What are you afraid of?

Everything.  

Are you religious?

No.  

What does your screen name mean?

It means I have a soft spot for puns, the work of Lillian Hellman, and Malvina Reynolds music.

What person do you trust the most?

Hmmm.  

Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?

Nice try.  

What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?

People keep complimenting my hair lately.  That’s pretty nice, I suppose.

What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?

That I need to be on medication. The person who said this to me has been on meds for a chemical imbalance, by the way.

What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?

I don’t really have relationships.  

What is your greatest strength?

I like soup.  

What is your greatest weakness?

Too many to count.  

What is your perfect pizza?

Ones that are meat-free.  

What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?

Oh no.  

What is your first thought before you go to bed?

Oh no.  

What college do you want to go to?

I’m through with college.  

Do you get along with your family?

Sometimes.  

Do you play any instruments?

No.  

What kind of music do you like?

All kinds.  

Would you ever get a tattoo?

Never say never.  

How many piercings do you have?

Zero.  

Who makes you laugh?

Being tickled.  

Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?

Someone that doesn’t weigh very much. 

Have you ever seen a dead body?

Yes.  

Do you have a celebrity crush?

Sure.  

What is one thing scientists should invent?

Cure for cancer.  

Have you ever broken a bone?

My pinky toe.  

What happens after you die?

Nothing.  

Do you watch or read the news?

Yes.  

What stereotype would you label yourself as being?

I’m just me.  

Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?

Sure, why not.  

If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to?

Ice cream.  

If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go

Four years ago.  

If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?

My weight.  

Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Yes.  

Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?

Sure.  That’s called motivation and building self-esteem for people who are down.

What do you want your friends to think about you?

That I’m a decent person.  

HAve you ever bitten someone?

No. Not to my knowledge.

Have you ever stolen anything?

No.  

Do you make wishes on shooting stars?

No.  

If you could go back and change one day, what would it be?

July 11, 2020.  

Do you remember your dreams?

Sometimes.  

Have you ever been in love?

No.  

Are you a morning person or a night person?

Night person. That’s why I’m filling this stupid quiz out.  

Do you have any phobias?

Fear of birds.  

Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth?

Not for myself. I’ve spent a lot of time in hospitals with others, though.  

How many screen names do you have?

Three on Tumblr.  

Do any medical problems run in your family?

Vertigo and heart problems.  

Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?

Yes.  

Have you ever had a nightmare?

Constantly.  

Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?

I don’t have any enemies, so I guess my friends.  

Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf?

No.  

Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?

A little, maybe.  

Have you ever written a love letter?

No.  

Have you ever attempted suicide?

No.  

Do you prefer boxers or briefs?

Boxer briefs.  

Have you ever been in a fistfight?

No.�� 

Do you have any hidden talents?

If I do, I must be hiding them from myself.  

What is one thing you want me to know about you?

I don’t like mustard.  

Do you usually prefer books or movies?

Movies.  

Who is your favourite person to talk to?

 My uncle.

Would you ever have sex before marriage?

I have and I will again. In fact, I don’t even know if I want marriage.  

Who do you talk to most on the phone?

My grandma.  

Do you prefer british or american spelling of words?

American.  

Have you ever gotten detention?

No.  

How do you vent your anger?

Sobbing.  

Have you ever been on a diet?

Yes.  

Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you?

No to the first and yes to the second. In fact, I prefer older.  

Is your best friend a virgin?

No.  

Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?

Not by a medical professional.  

Have you ever cut yourself on purpose?

No.  

Have you ever wanted to murder someone?

No.  

Have you ever hated someone?

Yes.  

Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?

Phone.  

Do you consider yourself popular?

No.  

Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?

Sure.  

Have you ever had a crush on an enemy?

No.  

Have you ever had a crush on a best friend?

Sort of.  

What is your favourite book?

Death in Venice.  

Do you have a collection of anything?

DVDs and Blu-rays.  

Are you happy with the person you are becoming?

I could definitely use some improvement.  

Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?

Almost definitely.  

What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?

I don’t.  

Are you happy with the life you have?

Meh.

[dhellski]

A life with a Father, a real father: A tribute to Rev. Fr. Erasmo “Sonny” Ramirez OP.

October 10, 2020: Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have found your deeds unfurnished in the sight of my God. Revelation 3.2.

It saddened me today when I heard the news that you’re gone, our beloved Rev. Fr. Sonny Ramirez. It’s a shame I didn’t pay a visit when I know I can – I have never forgotten you in my heart, for all the good deeds you have shared not only to me and my family, but to thousands of people who have believed in you. May your soul rest in Peace. You are in our thoughts and Prayers.

My first encounter

It was year 2000, after my high school when I decided to seek my fortune in Manila and to be with Fr. Sonny, whom i considered at first, unknown and totally not even in the table of consanguinity. He is a total stranger to me, but God has already planned that for me, He made that person I called “a stranger” as an instrument who will change my life in both physical and spiritual aspects.

My impression to him was very remarkable as it’s my first time to see a big priest in a “short and sando” but with a huge voice echoing all over the house – asking to call someone on the phone. I can vividly remember how he introduced me to everybody that I am a brother of Dheo (who was with him for I think 2 years before I came in) and just had no idea and doesn’t know anything about Manila. Grabe ka sa akin Father, nakakaluwas po ako ng Manila yearly. Haha. So that introduction made me calmed and settled for the day. I am an observer and if I am not mistaken, I was the last scholar who joined his foundation at that time of the year, for 4 years. So, I wouldn’t have a basis and observation of how a new person’s reaction, being new to the foundation.

I am a promdi and not used to live with other people in the same house, yes, we were like 19? (I can’t recall) scholars at that time. But I settled in quickly because I felt the spirit of being a family with a Father Sonny and so many mothers – our Titas, who are very supportive of Father Sonny and who loved us just like their own children.

 Pinoy Big Brother (PBB) Edition in 2000

The life in the foundation is like in the PBB, “Ang Teleserye ng Totoong Buhay”. Way back then, my housemates were from different provinces, with different personalities, dialects, perception in life but with only one goal – to finish college and support our own families back home. We were divided into two (2) houses and the only difference from PBB was that, there were no cameras and what makes us bonded; faith in God, trust to each other and respect Father to the best way we can, even if we only see him on a weekend. There were no auditions, but he has this great big heart and he knows who to put people, right for his foundation.

Our setup was the same concept as PBB, we have chores assigned, routines every day, and schooling we need to focus on. I remember waking up early in the morning to pray the rosary, clean the house, prepare food for everyone, washing the dishes, laundry, and during our free time, we still clean the house. Haha. On Wednesday, we go to Baclaran Church and so as on Friday to Quiapo Church then Saturday for Bible Quiz show and Sunday TV Mass at RPN 9. Our directives were coming from directly from Father, we obey his rules, and follows his instructions even we know it’s the same but given every time and all over again. Haha

We had the unboxing show before, he loves taking his religious stuff out from the bodega every week, unpack then repack it again. It can’t be live as during the unpacking time, he would normally fall asleep, wait for him to wake up and then our work continues – it’s our fun times as we would know his awake when his snore stops. Haha Father, you were like a living alarm clock!

We felt like we are chef of our own house, we are the ones deciding what food we will serve to everyone. Name it, as we are from different provinces, we prepare our own delicacies and give our best, so everybody enjoys our food – but not me, haha I don’t even cook that time. Ginisang corned beef sa relpolyo, sardines with papaya, and all the cooks of corned beef! We have meat and fish but you know, it’s more exciting when you don’t know what’s the verdict of what you up to – at least damay-damay na!

I must say, nothing compares “Mompo” and “Oscha” together, we are sorry Father but we drink it with oscha on the side (these haven’t been blessed). I am not proud of this doing but as an excuse, at least it’s not a regular liquor for drinkers.

I thought to be independent and built my camaraderie within the foundation. Father taught us to be on our own, make our own decisions and face the reality in life. We are in the depth of trying out new things and make believe in ourselves for whatever future endeavours may bring us. Together with our perseverance and guidance from Father and his supporters around us, we will be ready to face the next chapter of our lives, outside his house and foundation.

 My firs job as Production Coordinator

We are not forced to follow his path and become a Priest or a Nun. We have the freedom to choose what course we would like to take and so as the school we would like to be with. How lucky we are, aren’t we?  I am very grateful and had a very vast experience when I was with the foundation. When I first joined the foundation, I was like an ordinary scholar who would want to just finish college and then go and have my own life after. I didn’t realize that, with the exposures and experiences I have gained during my time, it will be my advantage of becoming who I am right now. In every good deeds and blessings we received, it’s up on us how we will repay even in our own little way, and having said that, I am contributing to the foundation to solicit money not for my own consumption, but for the entire scholars of the foundation. Being in a foundation, we are wearing so many hats, from being a scholar, housemates, coordinator of the show, a friend, and a good follower of God through Father.

I considered it my first job because I am owning it. Father will give you a task not to test you but to assure you that you will be ready in the future. I am inviting communities to sponsor the Sunday TV Mass we aired at RPN 9, and the exposure of talking to them, inviting them in the show was a very good experience at the age of 17! I never thought it’s where my career started, grateful that I was trained of a boss with a big heart and will encourage you to step up and focus on your strength, and let your failures be the guide to a better move in life.

 Perks in the foundation

Common, meeting celebrities face-to-face, get a chance to know some of prominent personalities in the Philippines. He is the spiritual adviser of former President Joseph Ejercito Estrada and so I was able to get inside Malacanang on face value. Yikes! Mel Mathay, Boots Anson-Roa, Christopher De Leon, Sandy Andolong, Ian Venracion, Fernando Poe Jr, Rudy Fernandez, Phillip Salvador, Jaime Rivera, and so many others. I am glad that I can sit with them over dinner, talk to them like nobody – we’re like a family.

We have tons of sponsors; we have supplies and sky’s the limit especially on foods – from appetizers to desserts. I remember receiving deliveries of ice cream, canned goods, and rice – our garage was like a minimart. The fear of famine is not on us but rather the fear of how we will consume all these goods, but since Father and the foundation is generous enough, we shared all the these to those who are in need in our community.  We repack all these items and distribute it the areas with full of hope and we considered a family to us.

Being in the foundation was like living the dream, father came from a well-to-do family but whatever we eat, it’s the same as what Father will eat. He eats steak, boneless bangus (yes, feeling ko mayaman ka before if you have it), and so are we. I love visiting our pantry and stockroom as it’s my first time seeing imported goods and the cache is, you can eat too, so long as he knows what you are taking and eating. Haha, sa dami nun, he wouldn’t know what’s missing! Hahaha Herford? Corned beef again, we already enjoyed that with hot pandesal back then.

Father would normally take you out-of-town for his house or building blessing, retreat, mass, visiting a friend and so many other purposes – this was awesome and being a promdi, you would appreciate every “broom” of his car. I have visited a lot of provinces in the Philippines because of him. A bit of a work but rest are for pleasure!

 My first fight with Father

I left the foundation with a heavy heart. I know I did what is expected of me but due to some circumstances, I failed him in some way.  I won’t lengthen the story, but I know Father is expecting more of me. It was a rainy Sunday when we were in RPN 9 for Sunday TV Mass. I couldn’t fill in the crowd seats and the only attendees were good enough to sit on the aisle to make it “daya” the camera and make it full of mass-goers in the TV. What can I do? It’s beyond my control and the community we invited that time was very apologetic that some didn’t make it. I was called by Father and the scuffle started. I felt embarrassed in front of so many people, so I decide to go home and pack my stuff and run away from the foundation.

 My last encounter with Father

It was so many years when I left the foundation and heard that Father Sony was sick - stroke. I didn’t know at first how will I approach Father again since I left the foundation, but I know it’s about time to repent our misunderstanding before. Who am I to prolong my agony where I know this stranger to me before helped me and made me who I am now today? I was surprised that despite he’s sick, with so many happenings in life, he didn’t forget my name. I didn’t cry as I know in my heart, he didn’t take our misunderstanding as judgement of who we are before, but an encouragement to see it on a brighter side, no one is above anyone else. I felt I wasted so many years where I can make it more fruitful with him, his blessings and continuous guidance, even if I am no longer in the foundation. I am really sorry, Father!

Goodbye, Father!

I know this blog is not enough to thank you for everything, how you touched our lives and the others and continuing to be a blessing even if you’re gone. But I am no one without your help and forever guidance. I will forever treasure every moment you were with us, during the times I was in the foundation and even more in my heart now that you’re gone. Thank you and may you be happier with our Lord. Please watch over us until we meet again!

Thanks again Father and we love you!

[amorningshadeofyellow-blog]

What Time Is It? (A Day in the Life with Intrusive Thought OCD)

The last week or two has far surpassed the brim, overflowing with stress and wonder, lack of this, lack of that, thinking, thinking, thinking. Since coming back from Tulane, I think I’ve managed to scrape the bottom of the barrel a little less elegantly. It’s been an unexplainable place, surrounded by an unexplainable feeling, but the least I can do is try. Explaining my OCD is not something I do to make you feel bad for me, not something that I do to gain pity points. It’s embarrassing. I was one of the smartest girls around; I still am. Where does it make sense to be consumed- literally consumed- in thoughts that are so infantile, so small, so stupid and pointless? It doesn’t, but this is my attempt to explain the mental process and impact my OCD has made. 

There are a handful of types of OCD. Most people associate OCD with cleaning, organizing, scrubbing your hands 18 times in an hour or flipping a light switch 6 times. There was a YouTube video of a guy who was performing some sort of spoken poetry about his OCD and the girl he loved. I always thought about that. With the little research I’ve done, I’ve found that the basic types are as follows: those who clean, those who organize, those who check, those who hoard, and those with intrusive thoughts- the obsessives. Obviously, my case is the latter. In slight description, the cleaners are the ones who scrub hands and surfaces, afraid of germs and contamination. The organizers are fixated on symmetry, things being centered and equally, those who organize their desks so precisely that if a pen moves two centimeters- they know. The checkers are those who check door locks, light switches, stove tops- often so obsessed with the idea that there will be a fire, a break in, something fo the sorts. The hoarders are obvious without description. Then, there are those of us that suffer from intrusive thoughts. My kind. Those who will be having a normal day, walking the halls to class or driving along the road, and suddenly an unwarranted and unwanted thought presents itself. This begins an obsessive-compulsive cycle, and it’s where I’ve struggled for many years. Where you’re able to see the compulsion- the cleaning, hoarding, flipping light switches and organizing desks, mine is far harder to detect. My compulsion- the relief- it comes in many forms. I need far more reassurance than the average human solely because I’ve depleted my ego and don’t think highly enough of myself to take my own word. It’s hard to make people understand it because we all worry. Where I differ is that my worry is an all consuming part of my day. Not every day. Some days, I don’t worry so much. Some days, when there’s no stressors and I feel the sun on my face and am confident in my body and mind- I do alright. Others, I quite literally think I’m the worlds most embarrassingly psychotic human being. So, I’m still learning. The compulsion aspect of my disorder still confuses me. The routines I go through to relieve the anxiety isn’t always the same, but there’s a compulsion. The thirty texts, the drinking, the sudden stopping myself from eating or sleeping, the texts, the texts, the endless flow of words that keep coming, the apologies on top of apologies. It doesn’t really make sense to me, and I guess that’s because I still think of the man switching the light off and on. 

To further indulge in the intensity and persistent nature of these thoughts- I want to explain how a day may work for me. I wake up. What time is it? 7:45. So, I should leave by 8:35 at the least because getting my bags out of my car and parking, locking the doors and situating my things so I can grab my coffee from my console will take probably four minutes, three or four to walk to class. I’m doing my makeup. My eyebrow hair grows so strangely. I should pluck these, but is it going too look too sparse right here? I think they’re too dark, but I don’t have time to really go back and change it. If I waste the product more I’ll have to buy another brow pencil by the end of April. They’re twenty-one dollars. I have three-hundred and six dollars in my bank account, but less than a fourth a tank of gas. However, I go to San Diego Monday, so I only need gas to go to Jackson for classes these next two days and then Saturday to clean the office. I should fill up before I go to San Diego in case I spend too much there. It takes thirty dollars to fill up my car. My seventy dollar car insurance already came out of my account, but I still need to pay those medical bills. Shit, my medical bills. I’m sure at least one has gone to collection. Is my credit going to be terrible now? How do I fix that? I should ask my mom. I hope my credit isn’t bad. three hundred and six minus thirty is two hundred and seventy six. That should be fine. Maybe I can afford another brow pencil. God, what time is it? 8:06.

 I feel my window to see how cold it is outside. Probably 60 degrees. I’ll wear a skirt and crop top. I think I’ve gained weight. I’ve been eating less. Did I? I shouldn’t weigh myself. If I weigh myself I’ll be upset all day long if I have gained weight. I didn’t eat that much yesterday. Maybe it’s lower. I weigh myself. I’m .2 pounds less than I was yesterday. That’s fine. Okay. I’m just over thinking it. I think my hips are too noticeably big. My hair is too dead on the ends, too, but I should wait to get it trimmed. Would bangs look cool? My face is too round. What if they make my face look fatter? I’m straightening my hair. I need to buy a hair mask or a heat protectant. This is probably why my hair is dead. I could leave it natural more, but I look less put together- more messy. Did I have a quiz today? No, I don’t think so. I think that’s next Thursday. My grades. Fuck, my grades are probably terrible. I wonder how much extra credit I’d have to do. Is Tulane going to accept my credits? What if I just wasted three thousand dollars at Union? 8:28. I should brush my teeth. I should put my pajama tshirt back on in case I get tooth paste on my top. God, my car is so nasty on the inside. If I have lunch with mom today, maybe I’ll just eat a salad or smoothie for dinner. I don’t want to be bloated before San Diego. I have pictures to take. What if I miss my connecting flight? I wonder what they do. Can I bring a razor in my checked bag? I don’t want to buy $20 razors there to shave my legs. 

I grab a water bottle and get into my car. Oh, I have less gas than I thought. I check it constantly as I drive. I drive past my ex boyfriend’s house on my way to pick up a friend for breakfast before class. He’s home? He’s never home on Mondays. Is he okay? Is his brother sick? Did something happen with his car? Does he need a ride? Is he mad? Did I say something this week that put him into a rut and now he’s depressed and can’t leave bed? I should text him. There are already ten texts sent from me from our discussion yesterday. Am I being too annoying? I bet he’s annoyed. Why do we even still talk every day? Did he ignore those on purpose? I think he read this one sentence as rude. I didn’t mean to be rude. God, I look like such a bitch. Maybe I should apologize. I’ll apologize. I text and explain that I drove by to get a friend in his neighborhood. Are you okay? Is your brother? Just wanted to make sure nothing was wrong. I go to breakfast. Panera is out of espresso, so I can’t get coffee. What if I get tired today? I slept eleven hours last night; I should be fine. I slept eleven hours. That’s too many. Am I getting depresses again? No, I think I feel fine. I feel happy. Yeah, I think I’m good. Okay. Should I eat a bagel? That’s too many carbs. You’ll be able to tell in this skirt. I go to class. He hasn’t texted, but he isn’t awake this early. Lauren hasn’t texted either. It’s been over a whole day. Did she get back to school safe? Is she that busy? Why aren’t I ever that busy? How come other people are so busy and never near their phones, but I’m never busy. Should I be studying more? I don’t have the money to go out. Where are all of my friends? I should go back to Tulane. My friends are there. I don’t want to get depressed again though. Maybe it’ll be better on meds. I had fun last weekend. I’m excited to go back in April. 

I sit in my lecture. Is it noticeable that I’m writing in my journal? What if he calls me out? I’m going to at least listen to the verse in case he calls on me to read. What if I pronounce a name or city wrong from the bible? That would be so embarrassing. Is anyone else here secretly not religious? Probably the girl in the Frank Ocean shirt. What time is it? twenty two minutes until I’m out. I’m not hungry. I have an hour and a half until my next class. Should I write? What if I don’t have time to finish it and get uninspired? I shouldn’t spend money. Where is that coffee shop on campus? No, spending money is bad. I need to save for car insurance. I may buy those concert tickets if I don’t spend a ton in California. The lecture is over. I walk to my car. It’s way colder than I thought it would be. These people are shivering. I either look stupid or incredibly warm blooded. People totally think I look stupid in this outfit. I drive around. I’m wasting gas. I should just go sit in the parking lot at school. He texted. Everything is okay, he just has plans on another day so he’s working today. I text to see if I can bring a record by and drop it of since he’d like it. He says he wishes I wouldn’t. Is it personal? Is it me? What did I do, was it phrased wrong? Does he think I’m being too serious? Is he tired of me? He’s probably tired of me. I’m going to Pet Smart. I go and look at the hamsters and how sweet and small they are. I smile at them and watch them run around and play for probably ten or fifteen minutes. I want a hamster. No, I’d be too lazy to clean the cage. They are so sweet, though. How long have they been in there? Probably too long. That’s so sad. Peppermint oil. That calms me down. I feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack. Why do I feel like this? I think I’m going to cry. I text again: Are you mad at me? Can we talk about some things? I know I said a lot yesterday, I’m sorry. Can I just say some really simple things and you can tell me what you think? Did I say something wrong yesterday? Are you sure everything’s okay? I know I’m worrying like I said I wouldn’t, but I need to start off on a good foot to stick to it. I don’t know what I’m even saying. I’m being annoying and pissing you off. I know there are way too many texts on my side and I feel so stupid. Can you please just find time to tell me if things are okay? 

I text over ten times, probably twenty. From 11;15 until he texts back around 3 something. I’m at the oil change center. Where do I go? I look so stupid. I have no clue where to go. The lobby of this place is full. I have to sit at the kid table. Everyone in here is old so they probably do think I’m a kid. It’s so gross outside, I hope it doesn’t make me sad. I should take my anti-depressants. It’s past noon, maybe I shouldn’t. It will keep me up. It’s so strange to me how tired I can be and then as soon as something bothers me, I’m awake for the next four hours. You’d think I’d be a normal fucking person for once in my life, but no. God, I look so annoying. I understand why I got broken up with now. It’s so cold in here. Do I have homework? I think that worksheet was for later this week. I should check when the next assignment is due. He’s typing, I’m anxious. Those thirty seconds are completely pit-of-your-stomach. What if he says something mean and I cry in this lobby? I should go to the bathroom in case. They called my name. My car is done. I sign paperwork. I go to my car and drive home. He tells me he knows to ignore what I said earlier- I’d been like this every day for the last ten days. I’m too stressed. It’s too obvious. Why do things hurt my feelings so easily? I’m driving. I tell him I’m driving and I’ll ask the two questions he told me he’d answer when I get home. So, I type out a condensed version of what I’d said yesterday- asking for patience and forgiveness when I know that’s stupid- when I know he understands and is willing to joke around and act like I’m not a freak. He’s too kind. I know he was overly kind to me in New Orleans because he wanted me to feel emotionally strong. He knew it would be a rough weekend. Lauren texted. She’s alive. We talk. I don’t have time to explain why I’m anxious- I don’t really know why. She sends me a meme. My phone is going to die. I come off of all of my worry after the talk I have about my worry and how he reassures me that I have nothing to worry about- I’m not being forgotten, I’m not hated. He’s far too funny for me. Does my senes of humor seem too immature? Does he even get this joke? The song playing right now is sad, I hope it doesn’t impact my mood. 

I’m at home on my bed. I tried on my bikini again before I go to San Diego. It looks so much worse on me now. Is it because I’ve gained weight? No, I weighed myself this morning and hadn’t gained weight. Maybe, I’m bloated. I just drank a lot of water. I wanted to take pictures in this, but I’m not going to now. How many days- today is.. Wednesday. Tomorrow I have New Testament early in the morning. Then, I have gym. I don’t think I’ll go. I always look so stupid in there. She tried to make us play volleyball last week- can you believe that? There are like ten people in that class and none of us know one another. It’s so awkward. I always feel so awkward. I hate working out in front of people. I think I’ve eaten too much today. I had coffee this morning, a kind bar, then I ate some edamame and grain crackers. I had a small bowl of tomato soup and a piece of toast with it for lunch. I think I’ll skip dinner. I’ll drink more water and maybe it’ll flush everything out. I should drink this last beer today so I can have the next four or five days to not drink anything except water. Why is my chin so itchy? Oh, he texted again. Bangs? He thinks I should get bangs? I’d look terrible with bangs. My face is too round. Yeah, just looked at myself in the mirror, and I definitely see a double chin. I don’t think they’d look good on me. That one girl in high school had incredible bangs. Would he still think I was pretty if i got them? What if they make him think otherwise and then he doesn’t like anything about me? Maybe I should do it. Change is good. My ends are dead though so I’ll just start with a trim. Dinner. I shouldn’t eat dinner. If I do, I should do like a banana or something. 

My skin itches. Is it just because it’s hot in here? No. No, why is my neck so itchy? Moisturizers break me out. Do I want to break out or relieve this? I could leave it alone. Where is my peppermint oil? I look crazy typing this. I won’t post it. It can stay in my notes for a long time. Honestly, I think a whopping three people read this. If you put that, you’ll look like you underestimate and are fishing for compliments. What do I type next? How do I transition back to something else? It looks too choppy. What if people actually think I’m a really shitty writer and just pity me because I have so much fun with it? I think some things are okay. Some things. I should write more. I know he won’t text back; he’s busy. Should I text just to tell him the good news? Does it look like I’m lying to get his attention? It’s just good news. It’s just something I’m happy about. I don’t think he cares, but maybe he just finds it nice to see me excited about things. I think I’ll tell him, yeah, this text is too long though. What words can I take out to make it look shorter. That sentence is pointless- too explanative. Back space back space back space. Posture. Sit up straight. This is why my spine looks so weird. I need to stop hunching my shoulders over. Jesus, I hope my mom doesn’t check my checking account. I spent so much pointless money last week. I feel so guilty. Maybe I can return it. I don’t think so. I’ll keep it. The jewelry is cute. Yeah, at least I have some for the pictures I take in San Diego. I’m so excited. I need to download my music so it’ll play. I should watch a movie today too. God, I need to go to the theater and watch some stuff this week. I may do that tomorrow to  pass time.I hope he doesn’t think I’ve showed up for him. I just want to come see some movies. Im behind. I saw Red Sparrow a few weeks back. It was good. Tulane housing emailed me. They want to call me tomorrow. I think they just want to clarify my situation, but if they tell me I’ll be in freshman housing I think I’ll cry. How do they even do that? There isn’t enough for everybody. I want to live in Paterson. I’d have a balcony and be close to everything. My friends would be closer too. What if they put me in JL? Oh, my god. I think I’d actually drop out. What if I get depressed again? I can’t even walk past my old dorm without feeling gutted. Too much happened there. Too much happened. I suddenly feel so sad. I remember being there and looking in my old window and seeing another girl live there. It was like that was the only part of campus that I never existed in. I felt wanted everywhere else. I think I was wanted at least. It felt good. I wonder if people would actually come visit me. I would love that.I’d get to show people the city. I just hope I don’t get sick again. I’ll be on probation when I first come back, and I just think maybe my classes will be too difficult to handle. If I slip, what if they kick me out? Just because my grade wasn’t good? What if they give me like math or science when I first come back? I’d fail and they’d kick me out because I’m supposed to be doing way better than just average. What if I gain weight? Bruff was so gross. I don’t want to go back and gain weight. I’ll have to start going to the gym. I do miss their gym. I’d just need workout clothes. Sometimes when I get too hot and workout without eating, I wind up passing out. I need to stop doing that. I need to take my vitamins.T That’s why my hair is dead. I haven’t been taking them. 

I should go to sleep. I should sleep. It’s 9 pm. Where is my birth control? There. There. I need to refill this tomorrow. I’ll refill it on my way home. Wait, I was going to go to the theater. I’ll do it Friday. I have the pill for tomorrow. So I can do it Friday before they close. Would bangs actually look good? I’m going to turn on a show. I think I’ll have a nightmare if I watch this one, so I’m going to skip it. All of these look interesting, I just can’t sit through anything that has bad acting and they all look terribly acted. I should write a screenplay. I could be an actress. I hated The Ritual. It gave me a nightmare from hell. I should take another shower. I need to throw up. I think I’ve eaten too much. If i gained half a pound, I think it’ll ruin my day tomorrow. Yeah, my mood won’t be good. I’m going to ruin my teeth. I need to make sure I take care of my teeth. I’ll double brush and double floss. That will be okay. I’ll call my dentist in the morning. Why hasn’t anyone texted me back? Did mine send? Yes. They sent. Stop texting. You look so bored and pathetic. Sleep. Go to sleep. I think he hates me again. I think I said something wrong. What time is it? 

[pyrewriter]

Magic and History

Plagg rubbed his neck "The history of the Ring huh, well it's shorter than one would think and yet somehow at the same time darker than you'd expect". Adrien had been curious about the history of the Miraculous and the Kwami bound to them for some time but now it was at the forefront of his mind. "Well I don't think you want to hear the life story of each of your precursors so I'll tell you the short version which goes a little something like this. And let me preface by saying Kwami and other magical beings have existed long before the creation of the Miraculous. The Ring was one of the first to be created but it was the first to be wielded, the original Noir and first ever wielder was the same man who created all Miraculous 'The Sorcerer' as he is known to us. Since him there have only been fourteen other designated wielders, however only about half of them have ever worked alongside a Ladybug. You are the fifteenth wielder and the seventh to ever work with a Ladybug, not even the Sorcerer worked with one so you're lucky kid. Noirs were more often than not wielders that I alone had chosen because I saw things in them that the Guardians couldn't or just to spite them".

Adrien raised his hand like he was in class "What do you know of the Guardians?".

"Shortly after the Sorcerer's passing the Miraculous were seized by the 'Order the Guardians' and placed in what is now known as the Miraculous box. The intent of the Order was to use the Miraculous and their power to protect and benefit humanity, the Order would bestow the power to those deemed worthy by it's clergy and the Kwami in question. If a Kwami was not being wielded they were probably helping with more practical tasks like studying, developing and attuning magic. I spent many millennia in the box alone, because my power was deemed too dangerous to be used by anyone. So whenever they slipped up I slipped out and picked my own wielder or just went and had some fun but usually I went to talk with the other Kwami and their wielders. Sometimes I would get lucky though and the acting guardian would let me out ,much to the chagrin of the clergy of course, so it wasn't all bad".

"So what happened to the Order, I know they're gone now but how can an organization that powerful just disappear?" Adrien asked leaning closer with a sleeping Belial on his shoulder.

"At one point the Order had spread across the world but with the rise of other religions and their fanatical spreading of faith the Order was forced into shadow and became nomadic. Despite being so wide spread they were more scholars than fighters and they had no way of defending themselves if a large enough force decided they were hoarding gifts of their god. Over time the order became smaller and smaller until it resembled a gypsy cult, giving power to those the Kwami chose. Infighting between survivors resulted in Miraculous being bestowed on impulse or stolen, which is how all of the Chat and Ladybug teams occurred".

Adrien held his hand up "Stolen?" he asked nervously.

Plagg smiled "Shinobi tend to take advantage of discourse among groups, and not all tribes or warrior cultures were closed minded, even religious kingdoms can surprise you. Though some wishes were made despite the warnings of the Guardians".

"Wishes?"

Plagg chuckled "A guy doesn't just wake up after being dead for three days" Adrien put his head in his hands, "Shall I continue?".

"I think I get the gist of what the other guardians did before what Master Fu has told me" Adrien said shaking his head. After a moment he moved to his next question "What about previous wielders what happened to them?".

Plagg paused for a moment rubbing his chin "How do I explain this" he thought aloud "I can't speak for non wielders but for all previous and current wielders there is a sort-of afterlife. Your soul is taken from your body at the moment of death and becomes part of the first Kwami you were chosen by even if you wielded more than one Miraculous. Meaning when a wielder dies in combat or long after having retired from disease or age they join the ranks of the precursors". Adrien leaned back slumping into the couch his mind raced as he pieced together a timeline of major events and legends that shaped the world. "I think that's enough history for now" Plagg said before flying over to a pillow and curling up to sleep. He wanted to tell him about his most predecessor but that could wait. For now Plagg wanted to give the kid time to enjoy his much-earned freedom and to let the knowledge of where he will ultimately go settle in.

Adrien pulled out his phone and began researching myths that ,with this new knowledge, had begun to sound more and more feasible. After School Fe' entered the apartment to see Adrien sitting with his hair a mess and staring at Plagg "Adrien you look a meme format what happened?" she asked casually.

Adrien turned slowly to look at her, his expression unchanging "I think I've been sharing drinks with the guy that broke Pangea into contents".

"You wanna run that by me again" Fe' replied now mirroring his expression, Adrien proceeded to take the next few hours to explain what Plagg had told him and his theories to Fe'.

Across the street Marinette had returned from their regular search for Adrien, Tikki was trying to get her to study. "Mari, Chat said he was fine and you have to study for that math quiz next week" Tikki told her after she had asked about what happened during Chat's fight with Private Eye.

"Tikki he wasn't himself in that fight, when it was Kaleidotherapist he was just mad, but this was something else, he didn't have the Ring how did he transform?" Marinette asked.

Sighing Tikki relented "He wasn't transformed ,not really, Plagg used a forbidden technique, it was reckless and ,if you hadn't been there, fatal".

Marinette was intrigued now, she wanted to know more "What was it and who 'forbade' it in the first place?" she asked.

"It was forbidden by the Order of the Guardians after some 'unfortunate incidents' occurred to too many wielders, as for what Plagg did" Tikki sighed heavily remembering the 'incidents' vividly. "Plagg became Chat's heart ,literally replacing it, allowing his wielder to use pure magic, un-channeled and uncontrolled, doing so allows nearly unrivaled amounts of power. But the human body was never meant to use pure magic, with the Miraculous the magic is channeled and safe to use while transformed, kind of like a fail-safe. But that technique negates that and the cost is the life and mental stability of the one using the un-channeled magic. The user is driven insane or goes on a rampage to some degree and after five minutes they are left with an empty cavity in their chest, their heart disappears. There are numerous magics and techniques that were dubbed too dangerous to be used by the Order" Tikki explained.

Marinette took a moment to let that information sink in but she was still curious "Who were the 'The Order of the Guardians' Master Fu mentioned them but he said they were destroyed". Tikki indulged Marinette's curiosity explaining the history and origin of the Miraculous and of the Order as she too got lost in a history lesson. Compared to Plagg's description Tikki made the order sound necessary rather than a religion and it's downfall as a tragedy instead of an inevitability. Tikki had been outside of the box for the grand majority of the time that the Order had existed so her and Plagg's purview of the Order were far from the same. She had more incite on how the Order had operated and how it had spread across the world. This combined with her near constant involvement in the process of magic attunement and creation Tikki was able to give a more detailed explanation of the Order's purpose. She explained that there had been dozens of Ladybugs and scores of wielders of the other Miraculous, all together they numbered over one thousand. She purposefully never mentioned the number of Noirs or any of the previous Ladybug and Chat Noir duos. Tikki felt that Mari was not yet ready to hear of her precursors, the one she was succeeding in particular.

"Oh no, we're gonna be late for patrol" Marinette said having glanced at the clock, she quickly transformed "Tikki, Spots On" and left through her skylight.

When Plagg had awoken expecting to be called to go on patrol he was greeted by both Fe' and Adrien staring at him, "You started doing research didn't you?" he asked in a knowing tone.

"Pangea, splitting the Red Sea, Pompeii" Adrien listed.

Plagg smiled wide replying with a list of his own "I sneezed, it was a wish, and I wanted fondue" Adrien and Fe's looked at each other then back to him without a word. "So are we going on patrol or what, Adrien?" he asked wanting the silence that had filled the room to end.

 Adrien stood and left the room, when he returned he had switched into a pair of jeans and a maroon zip-up hoodie, throwing up his hood he transformed "Plagg, Claws Out". Chat looked at the Ring "You've got some more history to tell but that can wait" he turned to Fe' "I'll be at the tavern, if you need me give me a call". Patrol was boring as usual but his rendezvous with Ladybug had him feeling like he was visiting a therapist.

"Are you sure you're feeling ok, you had gaping holes in your body. Do you have any unusual cat-like urges? Is your heart beating at a normal rate?" Ladybug was far too concerned.

"LB, I'm paw-stivly fine, there's nothing furr you to worry about" Chat said trying to get his partner to come down. He knew why she was asking, in truth he was wondering about the specifics of what Plagg had done and he knew there was one way to find out. "Plagg, Claws In" Ladybug was shocked at how Chat openly de-transformed in front of her but was quickly disappointed to see him completely covered. "Hey Plagg, you mind explaining what it was you did during the Private Eye fight" he said looking over the city, Ladybug listened despite already having already heard an explanation from Tikki.  

"I replaced your heart and let you use magic without the need to channel it through a miraculous, it only grants a partial transformation however. When it wears off your heart is gone and ordinarily you die seconds later from internal bleeding" Plagg explained.

"What about losing his mind, what about how he could have leveled Paris" Ladybug blurted out covering her mouth when she realized what she'd said. Plagg turned to Ladybug with a questioning look that bore down on her "I asked my Kwami about it too and that's what she told me" she explained. "Tikki told me that Plagg used a forbidden technique and it would have killed you had I not been there".

"I would have been dead even if Plagg didn't use the 'forbidden technique' and Plagg wasn't exactly in the know on a lot of things during the time of the Order's reign" Adren argued. Then looking to Ladybug meeting her gaze "I'm also assuming your Kwami told of the Order, correct?".

She nodded "Yes it is a shame that so much was lost when it fell".

Adrien shrugged turning his gaze back to the city "With how the balance of power was shifting in the world, perhaps it was for the better that the Order disappeared". He could feel the intense seething stare of Ladybug through his hood "Think about it, how different would major historical events be had the order still been present throughout recorded history. The paradigm of the world would be changed forever". Ladybug malled over her partners words, she hadn't thought about it that way and as much as she didn't like it she knew he was right. If the Order were to be revived and it's knowledge restored, the effects on the world today could be catastrophic.

"Damn this kid is about as hardcore as it gets isn't he "

"Did you say something, Plagg?" Adrien asked looking around.

Plagg shook his head "I didn't say anything kid".

"Wait did he hear me?"

"LB is that you?" he asked again.

She too shook her head "No I didn't say anything".

"Oh my- GUYS COME HERE"

Voices came from all around him, some male others female all blending together, he began to have flashbacks of when he got jumped in the hoods and of paparazzi. Hitting himself in the head Adrien began muttering to himself "Ugh get out of my head already, why can I hear them now, shut up already" he closed his eyes and hummed a lullaby. The voices faded and after a moment they were gone, when he opened his eyes Ladybug was kneeling next to him reaching for him, Plagg floated next to her looking concerned.

Ladybug placed a hand on his shoulder "Hey, are you ok?" she asked in a low voice rubbing his arm.

Adrien nodded "Yeah, I just had a bad flashback for some reason".

"Do you want to talk about it?" Plagg asked.

"Not right now, something tells me a relapse on the Eiffel Tower is a bad idea" Adrien smiled but then he remembered "You can't see it but I'm smiling, and thank you for caring but I'm fine". He stood and changed the subject "Plagg, let's get to work before we're late, Plagg, Claws Out".

"I didn't think there would be anyone with a deep enough connection to any Kwami, not since the fall that is" The voices had returned louder now.

"I'm surprised that the Guardian let another Lady-Noir team happen after-"

"HEY, we agreed not to talk about that unless it was to the new guy"

"Sorry, sorry you're right"

Chat stopped on a roof headbutting a nearby wall "If you don't shut up I'm going to rip my ears off" the voices stopped, he looked around searching for the sound but saw nothing "Plagg, Claws In".

"Adrien, I think we need to talk about another magic" Plagg said seeming to try and calm him down.

"Yeah I think we do, Plagg" Adrien plopped down looking like an aggressive 'The Thinker'. "So tell me Plagg, why am I hearing voices of people who very clearly-".

"Your connection with me is deep Adrien, and you are beginning to make contact with your precursors even if you're not meaning to" Plagg said cutting Adrien off. He took a deep breath before explaining further "You and I have become close ,like brothers, and the way you trust me with your secrets, your understanding of me, everything-".

Adrien finished the sentence relaxing "-Has formed a bond deep enough to trigger something".

Plagg chuckled "Yes, if you focus hard enough on the voices I think you'll be surprised at what you see" Adrien gave him a look "Just listen" he encouraged. Adrien did as he said and closed his eyes to focus, listening for the voices.

"Oh now he wants to listen" one said annoyed.

Another sounded purposefully ghost-like "Burn the orphanage".

"Hey guys who wants to flash the new guy" a female voice called.

Adrien put his head in his hand "Are all of you just overgrown children?" he asked.

A different female voice spoke whispering in his ear, she sounded younger "Don't worry Plagg is ,as you say, a man of culture".

Adrien couldn't help but let out a genuine laugh "Ooohh this is going to an interesting introduction" he stated before opening his eyes, fourteen translucent figures stood before him. Nine were male and five were female all of varying age from what looked like seventeen to mid thirties, each was garbed in the Chat Noir color pallet with splashes of other colors. They all were fully clothed to his relief.

The oldest and most plain looking of them stepped forward "It is nice to finally speak with you young one, and it is nice to see you again as well, Plagg".

"Plagg, a-are you crying?" Adrien asked.

"NO! YOU'RE CRYING" Plagg retorted wiping his tears.

Adrien chuckled "Suuurrree" he replied sarcastically before Plagg poked him in the eyes "AUGH ow you little cheese goblin". Everyone laughed but while rubbing his eyes Adrien remembered where he had been going before "Oh sh-Plagg, we're gonna be late, sorry to cut this short everyone". The other Noirs nodded in understanding before disappearing.

"I'm ready when you are" Plagg said as he sniffled and wiped his tears again.

Adrien sighed " I don’t know who that was but you'll see him again I promise but I need to get to work. Plagg, Claws Out”.

Back at the Tower Ladybug was still worrying about her partner, he was getting back to how he was but something was still different from how he was. He used to flirt whenever he got the chance and be ecstatic if she touched him in a caring manner, now he simply brushed off his problems thanking her for her concern. The dynamic between them had shifted and Ladybug wasn't quite sure how to feel about it. "Chat does seem to be more mature, on the one hand that makes him less of a flirt but on the other I almost miss the atmosphere he brought with him. He does seem to be going back to his old punny self ,at least a little, I just hope that everything's ok in his civilian life" Ladybug thought to herself on her way home.

Chat de-transformed as he entered the Square choosing to use the streets waving hello to the few late-bedders who kept an eye out for trouble makers late at night. Adrien burst through the tavern doors, gave Milo a passing "Hello" and sprinted into the back, throwing his sweater and shirt into his locker to change into his work shirt. When he emerged he was winded but ready to work but he couldn't wait until he was off to speak with the precursors.

Almost two weeks went by without any action ,not even a petty theft or mugging, and the second weekend was coming, Marinette and the others had continued to look for Adrien. Luka joined them regularly and was a great help in coordinating with volunteers and rotating groups to keep morale high. Nino had stopped joining them saying that he wanted to honor his friend’s wishes which the others respected, he used his extra time to help with the tavern's remaining renovations. The group had decided they would take weekends off in the future to give everyone some time to be with loved ones and relax. The girls had another sleep over to talk and relax, they had even invited Chloe' who had changed greatly in the past few weeks becoming good friends with everyone. As messed up as it was to say she had to admit, Adrien's disappearance had somehow brought out the best in her.

Nino had been Adrien's link to the class via lunchtime emails, every time the phone dinged the class held its breath hoping for an update. Every time they met Nino would remind his brother that he still needed to get those signal beanies he mentioned during the Cheshire meeting. Adrien would always say he was getting to it and eventually he would but for the time being he was occupied with other matters. Using time between patrols and lulls at work Adrien practiced talking with the other wielders, It had become almost second nature to him, now he could choose to block them out entirely, passively listen, or let them manifest at will. He had yet to tell anyone of them but late night renovation sessions provided ample time for him to chat with them without looking mentally insane. The other wielders had better explained how their conversation worked since Plagg had little experience with a wielder whom he shared a deep enough connection.

Paksis the second wielder, was especially knowledgeable since he was one of the few that had managed to make a deep connection with Plagg. "Previous wielders are not always watching though we are always capable of watching regardless of whether or not we can speak with or be seen by the current wielder. Precursors can only watch the wielder of their Miraculous so we can't watch the current wielder. At least one of us must also be present for the connection to work, if you were to try and manifest us when no one was present nothing would happen".

Nalma the youngest of the previous wielders and fourth wielder, was much more enthusiastic than the others, she knew a lot about how much they could see about him. "It's kind of like a constant group call that we all join and leave at will, you can even let anyone see and hear us so long as they're in contact with the Ring or it's wielder. Though I get bored real easy and while most of the others are content with watching you in the here and now ,I like to go deeper, the present isn't the only thing we can watch of the current wielder. No, no, no we can see your past too ,even before your time as a wielder, I'm the only one who's looked that deep of course, the others don't do it out of respect for your privacy. But I gotta hand it to you kid, I think out of all of us you take the cake for most hardcore origin story". Adrien talked to her the most both passively and manifested but liked to keep his head clear unless he was really bored and Plagg was sleeping or talking with Ladybug and Tikki elsewhere.

His most important history lesson however came one morning as the sun was preparing to peer over the horizon. As his eyes opened he was greeted by a pair of giant blue eyes that belonged to none other than Tikki who had been chatting with Plagg the night before.

"What have they told you?" she asked, Adrien jolted back not expecting someone other than Plagg to be so close. The sudden movement made both Belial and Plagg stir in their sleep, the two of them had been curled up together in Adriens lap all night. "What have they told you?" Tikki repeated.

"About what?" Adrien replied confused as to what exactly she was referring to.

Tikki flew closer ,Adrien leaned back, "Your Precursors, what have they told you and how long have you been in contact with them?".

Adrien feigned being groggy as he focused to manifest whoever was watching but there was no one, he didn't know what to say or how much she knew so he improvised. "I started hearing them a while ago, since then I've been listening and speaking with them. All they've told me is how to talk with them and what they can see" he explained.

Tikki backed off with a sigh "Good then they haven't told you".

As if summoned by her words Xylon the fourteenth wielder Adrien's predecessor, manifested "Tikki seems to be giving you an ear-full about talking to us I see" he said looking smug.

Adrien didn't look at him but he needed to let Xylon know what was going on, making a confused expression he asked "What, what haven't they told me?". Xylon's smug smile disappeared at his question replaced by one of somber remembrances, he left shortly after with his arms wrapped around himself.

Gasped then covered her mouth "I've said too much" without another word she flew through him.

Adrien sat confused and curious "Plagg, what was she talking about?".

Plagg rubbed his eyes and yawned "You're gonna have to be more specific kid, I was pretty out of it, all I heard was voices".

"Tikki was asking me 'what did they tell you' and something about 'they haven't told you yet', got any idea what she was talking about?" Adrien elaborated. 

Plagg shot to full alertness "I uh, I don't know what she was talking about no" he stammered.

Adrien leveled him with a look "Plagg, what aren't you telling me, it seems like everyone knows something that neither I or Ladybug do". Xylon manifested once more with Nalma at his side, she was comforting him with a hand on his back. Adrien was concerned now "What grenade did I just pull the pin on".

Nalma looked to him "We should go somewhere more private".

Adrien nodded "Plagg?".

"I'm ready, Kid"

"Claw Out" Chat headed toward the Louvre with Belial on his shoulder like always, taking a seat atop the decorative railing that spanned the roof. The museum was closed for maintenance and the cleaning crews were inside, it was as secluded as it was he could get without Ladybug finding him. Xylon and Nalma were silent during the trip and only reappeared together again when he stopped.

"Do you know why there hasn't been a Black Cat since Xylon?" Nalma asked

Adrien shook his head "No, I just assumed that no suitable wielder had been chosen or there was no need for another, not until Hawkmoth appeared that is". He had never thought about the history of the other wielders, he also hadn't noticed until now that Xylon's voice was the one that mentioned something they agreed not to speak of.

Xylon sat down leveling himself with Adrien "I lived during the European Witch trial of the 1400's, for most of my time as a wielder I worked alone. I protected those who had been wrongly accused of witchcraft and even those who were in fact dabbling in the arcane arts. I was hated and hunted by the Church, eventually I was granted the Ladybug Earrings and told to choose the one that would wield it. I made my choice and she was amazing, beautiful, and driven by a sense of duty to protect everyone she could. We had worked together for only a few months but we saved many lives" he choked on his words. 

Nalma embraced and whispered to him, after a moment of sobbing softly into her shoulder he lifted his head and began again picking up where he left off still in Nalma's arms. "I, I am unsure of the specifics of how it happened but one day she stopped showing up, it wasn't until weeks later that Tikki found me and informed me her wielder had been seen. She told me that she was taken and the miraculous were taken from her, I knew I needed to find her and I knew where they would have taken her. After fighting my way into the prison and stealing prisoner documents I learned of everything they had done to her. They kept detailed records of everything that they did to her, they tortured her, starved her, raped her, beat her, and sent her to the cathedral. I rode by horse back for days but I was too late, by the time I got there all I could do was watch her writhe and scream as she was burned at the stake, I was powerless. I retreated into myself refusing to leave the attic I hid in for what felt like a lifetime while they celebrated and relished her agony and death".

Adrien was seething, his jaw was clenched so hard it hurt, he slammed his fist down creating large cracks in the stone. "Tell me they died screaming" he uttered through gritted teeth, Nalma’s head shot up looking to him, "ALL OF THEM" he added. 

Xylon wiped the tears from his eyes before continuing once more "I slaughtered every single one of them, those that were at her burning or involved in her torment. I killed indiscriminately, Men, Women, the Children who threw stones at her while she burned, and those that partook in the celebration they all died by my hand. When the perpetrators were gone I set my sights on the Clergy, I cut a bloody swath through Italy to the Vatican, I wish they would have let me string those up pigs by their own-".

"I think you should go calm down, I'll tell him the rest" Nalma interrupted, Xylon looked at her before giving her a nod and dissipating. "Long story short, Xylon was responsible for putting an end to the Witch trails in Europe and changing the course of history. He retired shortly after, returning both the Earrings and returned the Ring to the nomads. After witnessing his trail of carnage he had created using the Ring's power they decided that the Ring should not be used unless all other options had been exhausted". Nalma bit her lip before telling him "I need to go make sure that he doesn't have a mental breakdown, do us a favor and don't tell Tikki or the Ladybug about what we told you". Chat sat there for a few minutes, his blood still boiling at the thought of what had happened to the last Ladybug, a meow from Belial snapped him back to reality. Keeping secrets wasn't exactly new to him but he found that this one in particular left a foul taste in his mouth, Chat hoped that his partner never learned of her predecessor's fate.  

Plagg had apologized for not telling him sooner but Adrien waved it off like always "I'm not mad or disappointed Plagg ,I hate that stereotype, you warned me after all". Adrien had expected dark but Xylon's story was exceptionally grim but he did wonder what the long version of the story was, he felt like they weren’t telling him everything. "Who's 'they' and why would the end of a story be long?" these questions echoed in his head during patrol but he knew that neither the wielders or Plagg would tell him more. For the time being Adrien pushed those questions to the back of his mind, filing them under "To be answered" in his mental vault. He also decided to honor that favor Nalma asked of him and didn't tell a soul of what he knew about his predecessor.

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